How Hormones Hit Extra Hard for ADHD Moms

Let’s talk about one of the biggest secret drivers (and saboteurs) of ADHD brains—especially the ones running households, packing lunches, and occasionally losing their keys in the fridge. 

And actually, if you have a uterus, this driver/saboteur isn't all that secret, is it?!?

Nope. If you’re an ADHD mom, you already know your brain operates on its own rhythm. But did you know estrogen and progesterone both play DJ to that rhythm? Making the already joyful, frustrating, overwhelming mess that is motherhood with ADHD feel even more chaotic and challenging in constantly evolving ways.

Because those of us on this rollercoaster of estrogen/ progesterone know that not only does our cycle impact how we feel and how our brains work throughout the month, but the way they impact us changes throughout our lifetime as well.  And, oh, by the way, the bulk of that change happens at the exact same time we are also navigating the constantly evolving shifts of motherhood!

So, let’s dig in and untangle this complex relationship between motherhood, ADHD, and hormones.

Why Your Hormones Are Hijacking Your Focus (and everything else)

Estrogen is your ADHD brain’s greatest frenemy.  One minute, estrogen got your brain’s back- boosting focus and mood. The next, it ghosts you, leaving your dopamine levels—and your ability to find the car keys—in shambles. 

Why?  Because estrogen doesn’t just rule your reproductive life; it’s the backstage manager of your ADHD symptoms.

ADHD and Low Estrogen: What the science says

Research shows estrogen directly influences dopamine, the “get-stuff-done” neurotransmitter that ADHD brains crave for motivation, attention, and emotional regulation (1). 

This means that when estrogen dips (hello, PMS, postpartum, AND perimenopause!), dopamine takes a nosedive as well, leaving ADHD challenges like forgetfulness, disorganization, and emotional overwhelm dialed up to an 11 (2).

The Real-World Impact of Hormonal Shifts

Research shows that women with ADHD report significant symptom worsening during low-estrogen phases (ie: PMS, postpartum, and perimenopause) (3), including:

• The "I Can’t Adult Today" Phase: Estrogen supports the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s "manager" for planning and decision-making. It’s, therefore, no surprise that during low estrogen phases, women have to contend with reduced executive function and increased ADHD symptoms (3).  
  

  Translation: Things like planning meals or remembering appointments feel like climbing a mountain made of quicksand.

• Emotional Overdrive: Estrogen also helps regulate neurotransmitters like serotonin and norepinephrine, which are critical for mood stability. So, when estrogen drops, emotional dysregulation often worsens.(3)  
  

  How this plays out: Even the small stressors—a spilled drink, a missed deadline, bickering siblings, or a scratchy tag—can spell a tsunami of frustration or tears.

• Medication Mysteries: Estrogen influences dopamine pathways, which are the same pathways targeted by stimulant medications for ADHD. Fluctuations in estrogen can affect how well these medications work, with many women reporting reduced efficacy premenstrually (3).  
  

  What this means for moms: Often, just when you need it the most- your usual ADHD medication might feel less effective, leaving you stranded.

• The Crazy-making-ness of it all: All of this feels absolutely crazy. But you aren’t crazy, or broken, or any of the other things your estrogen and dopamine-starved brain is telling you are– it’s simply a matter of neurobiology. 
  

  And yet, so many of us still blame ourselves for "losing control," but the evidence points to the impact of hormonal changes, not personal shortcomings. In fact, multiple studies and clinical observations confirm that a substantial proportion of women with ADHD experience monthly symptom fluctuations linked to their cycle  (3).

Executive Function Challenges for Mothers with ADHD: Beyond Monthly Cycles

For mothers with ADHD, hormonal shifts aren’t confined to monthly fluctuations—they’re woven into the fabric of motherhood. Pregnancy, postpartum recovery, perimenopause, and menopause represent profound hormonal transformations that reshape ADHD symptoms in ways rarely discussed but deeply felt.

The Lifelong Hormonal Landscape of Motherhood

Pregnancy: Once the soul-numbing fatigue of the first trimester is over, rising estrogen can temporarily boost dopamine activity (improving focus for some).  Sounds great, right ?!?  It can be.  However, studies also show pregnancy often impairs verbal memory and recall—a cruel irony given the demands of growing a human (4). 

Postpartum: Estrogen and progesterone plummet within hours of delivery (5) For ADHD brains reliant on dopamine, this crash amplifies forgetfulness, emotional dysregulation, and burnout—all while caring for a newborn. A 2023 study found ADHD mothers face a 5x higher risk of postpartum depression compared to neurotypical peers (6).

Perimenopause:  The erratic estrogen levels in the years before menopause collide with ADHD’s executive dysfunction as well as the many demands on women at this time of life. In a 2023 survey, 94% of ADHD mothers reported worsened brain fog, task paralysis, and emotional volatility during this phase—all at time when many are managing teens, aging parents, and/or career peaks. (6)

Menopause: Stable low estrogen may simplify hormonal swings, but its neuroprotective loss can unmask previously manageable symptoms. Over 60% of women report ADHD’s greatest life impact occurs between ages 40–59 (6) as women are grappling with the constant fluctuations of perimenopause and the adjustment years of early menopause.

Navigating the Shifts: Pro Tips for Riding the Hormonal Waves

I’m not going to sugar coat it- if you made it this far, you are keenly aware- the mixture of hormones, fatigue, ADHD, and motherhood is a mighty, constantly evolving beast that can feel untamable.  But the more research being done and the more visibility we have on the subject, the more we are starting to understand some of the key strategies that can help at every stage of a mom’s, like:

PMS: Weathering the Monthly Storm

• Sync with your cycle: Track your menstrual phase and plan mom life accordingly. Save big projects (like meal prepping or tackling school forms) for high-energy days, and lean on freezer meals or screen time for kids during PMS days.

• “Mom-friendly” hacks: This is the time to really lean on your strategies- reminders, alarms, sticky notes, flashing neon signs- whatever works for you and your brain- setting up your PMS week, the week ahead so as much of it is outsourced as possible can be key to a low-drama cycle.

• Talk to your provider: Ask about low-dose SSRIs, hormonal birth control, or ADHD med adjustments to curb PMS symptoms. Some moms find huge relief with cyclical dosing.

• Name the chaos: When PMS rage hits during backseat sibling squabbles, try whispering, “This is my hormones, not my parenting” to yourself.  Giving yourself even just a drop of understanding and perspective can go a long way to calming that emotional storm.

Postpartum: Surviving the Dopamine Dip

• Medication check-ins: If you paused ADHD meds during pregnancy or breastfeeding, work with your provider to safely reintroduce or adjust dosages. Non-stimulant options may also help

• Tiny wins, big impact: Fold one onesie. Respond to one email. Celebrate surviving the 3 a.m. feed without doomscrolling. Progress > perfection.

• Tag-team survival mode: Split shifts with your partner (e.g., “You handle 6-9 p.m. baby duty; I’ll take the night feed”). Survival is a team sport.

• Protein = sanity: Keep a “snack caddy” in the nursery (think jerky, cheese sticks) to fuel your brain during marathon rocking sessions.

Perimenopause: When the “Old Rules” Stop Working

• Redefine “productivity”: Forgot the school permission slip again? Automate reminders or text the teacher: “Hey, ADHD mom brain strikes again—can I email it tonight?” Grace > guilt.

• Medication tweaks: Hormonal swings can blunt ADHD med effectiveness. Ask your provider about adjusting timing, dosage and/or adding non-hormonal supplements (e.g., magnesium).

• Cooling hacks for hot moments: Keep a spray bottle in the car for traffic jam meltdowns (spritz your face before responding to “ARE WE THERE YET?”).

• Outsource the mental load: Hire a teen “mom helper” for Saturday afternoons, use hacks like grocery delivery or meal prep boxes, and outsource as many tasks and whole categories of tasks (think- food, laundry, medical appointments, school updates) to your partner and kids to dodge decision fatigue.

• HRT + ADHD meds? For some moms, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) plus a stimulant tweak can cut through the fog. Always consult a menopause-savvy provider!

Menopause: Cutting Through the Fog

• “Done” > “Perfect”: Swap Pinterest-worthy birthday parties for store-bought cupcakes and a park playdate. Your kids want you, not a Martha Stewart clone.

• Brain fog lifelines: Put a whiteboard in the kitchen for daily kid logistics (“Soccer: 4 p.m. — DON’T FORGET CLEATS”). Text yourself voice memos when ideas strike and grab a task list manager like ToDoist or Skylight to streamline the process.

• Movement that fits: Dance parties with kids count as exercise! Crank up their latest music obsession and shimmy while folding laundry—mood boost + quality time.

A Note on Resilience (and Why This Isn’t Just Your Fight)

Let’s be clear: Motherhood with ADHD is a high-wire act where the net keeps disappearing. Hormonal shifts—PMS, postpartum, perimenopause, menopause—aren’t just “inconveniences.” They’re seismic changes that rewrite the rules overnight. And when 83% of women report new or worsened ADHD symptoms during times of hormonal shifts, leading to workplace attrition, frayed relationships, and a slow drip of self-doubt (6), this isn’t a “mom problem.” It’s a societal reckoning.

Moms are the invisible CEOs of… well, everything. They’re raising humans, managing households, showing up to jobs (often while masking ADHD symptoms), and doing it all on a brain chemistry rollercoaster. When we dismiss these struggles as “just part of being a woman,” we ignore the domino effect: Burnout isn’t contained. Strained relationships tear at our resilience. Workplace talent drains away. When moms struggle, everyone pays the tab.

This Isn’t on You

The exhaustion of recalibrating your ADHD hacks every hormonal chapter? That’s not a personal failure—it’s neurobiology crashing into a system that refuses to adapt. 

You’re not “too much” because PMDD turns your patience to tissue paper, or because menopause brain fog makes you forget the word “refrigerator.” You’re a canary in the coal mine, signaling a society that still treats hormonal health like a niche hobby.

Demand More Than Band-Aids

Most clinicians aren’t trained to connect ADHD and hormonal shifts. So arm yourself when you talk with your psychiatrist, GP, or ObGYN:

• Premenstrual dosing works: A 2023 trial showed increasing stimulants by 30–50% premenstrually improved focus and emotional control (9, 10).

• HRT isn’t just for hot flashes: Stabilizing hormones may ease brain fog and mood swings (10, 11).

Resilience here isn’t about white-knuckling through and it’s not just doctors we need to demand better from. It’s about refusing to accept a world that pathologizes women’s bodies while exploiting their labor at home and at work. So:

• Normalize the ask: “I need flex hours during the luteal phase” shouldn’t sound radical.

• Laugh when you can: Forgot the school bake sale? Text the PTA: “ADHD mom brain strikes again—store cookies incoming!” Humor ≠ weakness.

• Build louder communities: Swap shame for stats. Share studies. Rally moms to demand research, workplace policies, and clinical guidelines that actually reflect their lives.

The Last Word

This isn’t a tidy story. There’s no bow big enough to wrap up the chaos of hormones, ADHD, and motherhood. But there’s power in dragging these struggles into the light—not as “personal baggage,” but as proof that the system is broken.

So yes, refill your coffee, scream into a pillow, and keep showing up. Not because you’re “strong enough,” but because change starts when we stop accepting invisibility. And for the 83%? For every mom running on three hours of sleep and iced coffee? That’s worth fighting for.

• Reference:

  1. Becker, J. B., & Hu, M. (2008). Sex differences in drug abuse. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology, 29(1), 36–47. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yfrne.2007.07.003

  2. Roberts, B., Peters, J. R., & Epperson, C. N. (2018). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and the menstrual cycle. Current Psychiatry Reports, 20(12), 120. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2023.105466

  3. Eng, A. G., Nirjar, U., Elkins, A. R., Sizemore, Y. J., Monticello, K. N., Petersen, M. K., Miller, S. A., Barone, J., Eisenlohr-Moul, T. A., & Martel, M. M. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and the menstrual cycle: Theory and evidence. Hormones and Behavior, 158, 105466. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2023.105466

  4. Li, R., Cui, J., Jothishankar, B., Shen, J., He, P., & Shen, Y. (2013). Early reproductive experiences in females make differences in cognitive function later in life. Journal of Alzheimer's disease: JAD, 34(3), 589–594. https://doi.org/10.3233/JAD-122101

  5. Dukic J, Johann A, Henninger M and Ehlert U (2024) Estradiol and progesterone from pregnancy to postpartum: a longitudinal latent class analysis. Front. Glob. Womens Health 5:1428494. doi: 10.3389/fgwh.2024.1428494

  6. Rodgers, A. L. (2023, May 1). Hormonal changes & ADHD: A lifelong tug-of-war. ADDitude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/hormonal-changes-adhd-puberty-postpartum-menopause-andropause/

  7. de Jong, M., Wynchank, D. S. M. R., Michielsen, M., Beekman, A. T. F., & Kooij, J. J. S. (2024). A Female-Specific Treatment Group for ADHD-Description of the Programme and Qualitative Analysis of First Experiences. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 13(7), 2106. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm13072106

  8. Peters, J. R., & Epperson, C. N. (2023). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and the menstrual cycle. Current Psychiatry Reports, 25(11), 681–692. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2023.105466

  9. Roberts, C., Martel, M. M., & Sibley, M. H. (2018). Reproductive steroids and ADHD symptoms across the menstrual cycle. PLoS ONE, 13(11), e0206742. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0206742

  10. Sibley, M. H., et al. (2023). Female-specific pharmacotherapy in ADHD: Preliminary results of premenstrual psychostimulant dose increases. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 10751335. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1306194

  11. Sharma, A., Davies, R., Kapoor, A., Islam, H., Webber, L., & Jayasena, C. N. (2023). The effect of hormone replacement therapy on cognition and mood. Clinical endocrinology, 98(3), 285–295. https://doi.org/10.1111/cen.14856

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Brain-Based Strategies for Successful Parenting with an ADHD Brain

Hey There, fellow parents with wild and wonderful ADHD brains! Today I’m sharing a special sneak peek at a webinar I did with the always brilliant Mattea LeWitt, LCSW, as a joint program with Rittenhouse Psychological Services, all about parenting with ADHD brains.

Because there is a lot out there about parenting for children with ADHD brains. And for good reason- it’s tricky business (a trickiness I’m intimately familiar with!) But parenting when you have ADHD? Well, that’s no less tricky but a whole lot less talked about.

So in this clip, we talk about:

• The core difference of ADHD brains

• How this difference plays out in parenting

• Specific strategies for protecting against the vulnerabilities of this difference

It’s good stuff.

And guess what? There’s even more to learn and enjoy. In fact, can get the full webinar with just one click! So- go ahead- get that understanding and insight and help yourself towards being the parent you want to be today!

Did it? Great.

Not in a watching/ listening place? I’ve gotch- read on to learn all about brain-based strategies for parenting with ADHD.

Ok, let’s get started.

The core difference of ADHD brains and how that difference impacts parenting, both good and bad. Because it is BOTH of those things- ADHD brains carry pros and cons. In fact, research even suggests that children with ADHD, who have parents with ADHD themselves, may have better outcomes. Their differences and similarities impact parenting in great, amazing ways but also in ways that create vulnerability.

So the trick here is understanding the difference and then creating systems and strategies that help protect against the vulnerabilities while celebrating the strength. So, let's take a closer look at these unique brains and explore how they can impact our parenting journey.

Regulation: The Core Brain Difference for Parents with ADHD

At the core of ADHD is the concept of regulation and the different ways that ADHD brains regulate their functioning.

For the basis of comparison. Let's think of a neurotypical brain. If we could peek inside a neurotypical brain, imagine it like a fancy sound studio mixing board. They have all these dimmer switches and faders, allowing them to find the perfect balance. So they have just enough volume to whisper to the person next to them while not being heard by the professor, or they expend just enough energy at their 9 am meeting to still have energy to spare at 3 pm. It's the "just right" state.

But here's the thing – ADHD brains are wired differently. They blow past "just right," landing more naturally in all-or-nothing.

ADHD brains have just as many switches as neurotypical brains but rather than dimmer switches; they are full of on/off switches– going all-in or all-out. They hyperfocus and zoom in intensely on something, or they’re scattered and unfocused. Energy levels can be supercharged and ready to conquer the world, or they can plummet, making it hard to get off the couch. It's a world of extremes that is home to ADHD brains.

These on-off switches affect various aspects of brain function, including attention, focus, action, emotions, planning, creativity, memory, and motivation.

How On/Off Regulation Impacts Parenting with ADHD

Now, let's explore how these all-in/all-out tendencies relate to parenting in great and difficult ways.

The Benefit of All-In/ All-Off Attention

When ADHD brains bring their all-in attention to children, something magical happens. Kids flourish under that focused attention. I witnessed this recently while on a playground with a friend who has ADHD. As we chatted and she multitasked, her three-year-old approached her. In an instant, I saw her attention switch from off to on. She knelt down, made eye contact, and became completely absorbed in the moment. The child felt seen, held, and loved. That all-in attention is like a beacon of love that all children crave and benefit from immensely.

All-In attention and focus are also known (and loved) as Hyperfocus. And hyperfocus can be the magical state that gets seemingly impossible things done- and sometimes done at hyperspeed. It can also unleash bursts of superhuman productivity, making tasks like organizing a closet, researching a major project, or building the perfect Lego tower a breeze.

And it’s tempting to think that the only good part of All-in/All-out regulation is when it’s on the all-in side. But all-out has benefits too!

All-off attention actually has a huge benefit. An all-off-attention ADHD brain covers a lot of ground and notices things others might miss. My husband, who has a beautiful ADHD brain, is the go-to guy for spotting struggling kids at pool parties. He has an uncanny awareness of what's happening around him, even when seemingly preoccupied. This ability to cover vast territory and gather various details can be incredibly useful.

The Vulnerability of On/Off Regulation for Parents with ADHD

However, there are struggles and vulnerabilities that come with on/off regulation. On-off attention can cause us to miss subtle signals from our children, such as hunger cues or signs of frustration. When we're hyperfocused on something other than our kids or caught up in off-attention mode, we may fail to read their signals and attune to their needs. This disconnection weakens our relationship with them and leaves children feeling unseen and unattended.

Regulation Strategies Tips for Parents with ADHD

So the thing about the pros and cons of this brain difference. Is that we want to embrace and celebrate the pros, but we also want to build strategies to support the vulnerabilities. As we do that, we want to remember that we can't fundamentally change the structure of an ADHD brain. And I believe strongly that even if we could, we wouldn’t want to because ADHD brains possess a unique beauty. Instead, we should work with their natural tendencies and find ways to support areas of struggle.

Undistracted Free Play: An ADHD Brain-Based Connection Strategy

The first ADHD-brain-based strategy is what we call Undistracted Free Play.

This strategy aims to provide children with the focused attention they crave while filling what we call their relationship bucket. The relationship bucket is the container that holds the strength of our connection with our kids. Positive attention deposits fill it up, while everyday demands and conflicts make withdrawals. When the bucket is at or near empty, it becomes very difficult for kids to stay regulated, keep their emotions in check, or meet our many, many demands.

Undistracted free play fills up this bucket helping to regulate children and making it easier for them to meet our expectations.

What is Undistracted Free Play?

Undistracted free play involves short sessions of quality, screen-free time with your kids. These sessions can range from 10 to 15 minutes, adjusting the duration and activity based on your child's age.

Screen Free

I know. Screen-free is tough. Sometimes playing with our kids is boring, and phones are our automatic answer to boredom- not to mention- we have stuff to do! But screen-free is important here. Screens are designed to induce hyperfocus, often without awareness. And that hyperfocus takes the attention away from your child and ultimately defeats the purpose of the activity.

Free Play

Undistracted Free Play is named exactly that for a reason. The play is meant to be free and child-led. This is a chance for you to enter your kid’s world instead of the other way around. It’s a time to allow the child to figure out how they want to spend their time without your input or agenda.

Activities like peekaboo and scarf play are great ideas for younger children. As kids grow into toddlers and younger kids, let them choose the activities while you provide reflective comments that focus on the process rather than passing judgment. For example, instead of saying "That's so pretty," you can say, "You're putting the blue block on the red ones." The goal is to make your child feel seen and connected.

With teenagers, adapt the strategy to suit their interests. Tune into what they like, whether it's shooting hoops, discussing music, or even joining them in playing video games. While video games can be an exception to the no screens rule, ensure there is active dialogue and engagement rather than just being physically present.

Undistracted free play is a powerful strategy to strengthen your relationship with your child, fill their relationship bucket, and provide the focused attention they need. Remember, these short bursts of quality time can have a significant impact on your connection and your child's regulation. So embrace this strategy and discover the wonders it can bring to your parenting journey.

Have you tried undistracted free play? How did it work for you?

Want more insight into supporting the vulnerabilities of parenting with an ADHD brain while celebrating its strengths? Sign up to receive the full webinar for free!

• Full Transcript

  So let's start with the core ADHD brain difference. By the way, Mattia and I are going to be kind of bouncing back and forth.

  0:14

  So, the main difference in is really about regulation. So I always think it is she is a poorly named disorder, I even hate the word disorder. I don't like any of it. But because the difference about ADHD brains is about regulation at its heart. And it's regulation of lots of different things, not just regulation of attention, or act, or, activity. So if we, if we could look inside, I'm going to open up a neurotypical brain and kind of look inside, this is not in reality. But theoretically, we would, we would be like, we would see this whole mixing board, right at a fancy sound studio where they have all these dimmer switches, and all these faders, which is where we can get just the right amount of things, right? Yes, enough volume that you can like whisper to the person sitting next to you, but the person, you know, leading the meeting doesn't hear you just enough effort to pay attention on your nine o'clock call, to then still have enough energy at your three o'clock call. And just enough attention on your cooking, that you can also spend a little bit of that attention to your three-year-old who's, you know, playing with trucks in the corner, right. So you said just right them out. And just right, it's great. But ADHD brains are different, they don't have the just right, they tend to have on-off switches. So they tend to go all in or all out. And that's on all the brain functions. So they go all in on attention, right, and got like some hyper focus zoomed in, really key that into things, or all out, and it's kind of like I'm all over the place, or all in on energy, and I'm super excited and, you know, ready to take charge and take on the new thing, or is kind of, you know, Wild horses couldn't drag me off the couch. So it says All in all-out kind of extremes that ADHD brains tend to live in.

  2:54

  And all ADHD brain functions are regulated with this kind of on-off switch. So attention, focus, action, emotions, planning, creativity, memory, motivation, all of these things tend to do it in this all on all off, all in all-out kind of way. So we're gonna look at a couple of these all in all out things and how it relates to parenting. And, and both what the strength there is, as well as what the struggle is, and kind of some strategies around it. So we're gonna start with attention and focus.

  3:41

  And so the strengths of on, on off attention, right kind of going all in with your attention are all out. It's, it's, again, all of these, it's easy to see what the downside is. But it's important to talk about the strength as well, because we want to not just celebrate it, and then like, yeah, everyone's great to find a way. But in a, hey, let's really take advantage of this. Right? And so, all in all our attention when that is focused on a child, it's in kids just blossom, right? I was on a playground the other day with a friend of mine who has ADHD, and we were kind of chatting and she was kind of doing a couple of other things. And her three-year-old came up to her and her you could just see her switch from OFF to ON her attention just went right on. I don't know what it is that he did that kind of elicited the on switch, but it happened and he had been kind of standing near us and I had seen him and he was just you know, fine. But when her on attention went to him, you know, she kind of knelt down and made eye contact, and it was she was totally locked in, you could just see him like blue, it was just this, this lightning and the sparkle that happened that you could just see, he felt so seen. And he felt so kind of held and cared for and loved in that moment. So, his love this, they love that all on attention, and they crave it. hyperfocus can also create some kind of like, almost super, superhuman productivity, right? If you happen to be staring at your closet that needs organization, when that hyper-focus turns on or when you're, you know, your meds kick in. I mean, it's amazing what can happen to a closet, in a short period of time, right? Or whatever the project is when that hyper-focus turns on. But as we said earlier, it's not just the all on that is a strength, there's also a strength in me off write that off attention, brains kind of cover a lot of ground and can see lots of things and taken lots of things. My husband who has ADHD is kind of known for everyone wants to invite him over to a pool party with kids, because he is always the one who can like spot the kid that's a little bit struggling in the water. And his you know, you don't really notice he's kind of talking or walking around. He's not like, you know, zoned in on the pool. But there's always just some awareness of what's happening over in the pool, and he will spot it and grab, I can't even tell you how many kids he has grabbed out of the deep end who shouldn't be in the deep end. So this off attention, this covering lots of ground has a lot of utility as well.

  7:08

  But there's a struggle here too, right? So struggle of on off attention, we can tend to miss signals and not kind of see the the calls for the subtle cues for attention, right? Like the big cues, of course, those get seen the little things the slight change in demeanor as a kids getting hungry, or you know, that slight change in demeanor as a kids doing homework, and they're starting to get frustrated, but they haven't kind of melted down yet, right? Those little missed signals. And those missed signals can lead to kind of miss attunement, right? When we're kind of either hyper-focused on something else other than our kids, whatever that might be, whether it's a screen or anything else. Or we're kind of an off attention. It can see we can kind of not get a to not kind of read into kids signals. And they can kind of feel that this connection, and that all together can weaken relationships, right? Because kids don't feel seen. They don't feel kind of held and attended to. They don't feel like they're getting their needs met. Of course, they wouldn't say they wouldn't verbalize it in this way. But it tends to, weaken relationships.

  8:42

  So I said we were going to talk about strategies. And this strategy. This is kind of a way of helping with us, right? Because whenever we're talking about strategies, we want to be really mindful of, we're not going to change this basic structure of an ADHD brain. We're not going to turn ADHD brains from on off switches to dimmer switches, right. And I don't even think we would want to because we lose out on a lot of that beauty that comes with an ADHD brain. And so instead, we want to utilize how it works naturally, and find ways to make up for the places where it's struggling or find those scaffolds that help kind of directed in the right, right way. So this first strategy is an attention strategy. So a way of giving kids that attention and that kind of all on attention that they crave so much and that they benefit so much from and so it's called undistracted, free play and For those of you who have older kids, this works across the age span.

  10:05

  Even though we're talking about free play, I'm going to talk a little bit later about how to make this work across all age brackets. So what undistracted free play does, is that it fills a relationship bucket. So I sometimes think about relationships as being a bucket. And when the bucket is really full, that relationship feels strong. And when the buckets really empty, that relationship feels weak. And so we put deposits into that bucket. And we also take withdrawals from the bucket. And so the deposits are our positive attention. That's a biggest deposit that we can put in to the relationship bucket with our kids. And the withdrawals, we do all the time, right? Like, I can't even I would love to count one day, how many withdrawals I make from my relationship bucket with my kids, right? The requests the demands the conflict. You know, just the very small like, put your shoes on brush your teeth, sorts of things, to the bigger, you know, ones that that raise kind of more hackles, to the all out conflict, all all of that are all withdrawals, they're all taking a little bit from the bucket.

  11:39

  So the more we have, the more we kind of fill up that bucket, the more we're able to take from it as well. And the other thing that undistracted free play does is it helps regulate kids. So it helps kids. Kids are actually what's called co regulators. Actually, all people are, are just kind of extra co regulatory when we're children. And so we regulate our own emotional state, based with each other. And, and I'm sure you've all had this experience, right? Where if you're feeling kind of agitated, but you but you then start to hang out with somebody who has like a very calm, soothing energy. They don't even have to do anything about what you're agitated about. But just being around them and they're calm energy can calm us down, right. And so this undistracted free play helps do some of that helps kind of regulate our kids. And because it's filling the relationship bucket and makes it easier for kids to do, what's expected of them and what we need for them for them to do.

  12:54

  So what is undistracted, free play? And distraction-free play is mall spurts. I mean, small this is not you know, all day sorts of thing of quality, no agenda connection time with your kids. So when I say small, I'm talking 1015 minutes, maybe you make that a little longer for the older kids and a little shorter for the younger kids. But we're not, we're not talking a huge investment of time, kind of next 20 minutes, you know, minimum five. But one of the big things here is no screens. And the no screens is really because we're thinking about how ADHD brains work, right? And screens are literally built to instill hyper focus. And we don't want the hyper focus to go to the screen, we want it to go to the kid. And if we can, even if we can't turn the attention on in that sort of way, that's okay. But we don't want something to kind of suck it away. Right? And so it's a no screen time. And it's child led with no adult agenda. So that means that you know, you do what your kid wants to do and the moment that's not kind of in a like yesterday sort of way, right? Like this isn't a you know, we can we can blow the house up now. But a responsible child, but kind of why what would you mommy wants to spend some time with you. You know, what would you like to do right now? You want to play with Legos you want to you know what, what is it that's less on your mind right now.

  14:49

  So how do we do this across age? So for little kids, we're going to, again, shorter sessions, and these are going to be things like peekaboo On scarf play and even just kind of that smiling and talking and eye contact making faces that we do with little babies and kind of early toddlers, right? Then when we get to kind of toddlers, and kids, but like younger kids, now we're kind of getting more into that child led kid gets to choose. But here, and this is kind of a thing that takes a little getting used to. Because we're not in instilling any kind of adult agenda on it, it can be really helpful to when we talk with our kids in this kind of undistracted, free play kind of way to reflect the process, rather than kind of what you know, rather than being like, Oh, that's so pretty, right? That's kind of instilling some adult agenda. Like, I think it's pretty and, you know, this is what pretty instead, we kind of say, Oh, you're putting the blue block on the red ones, or something like that, right? That can start to feel a little more awkward as a as your kids get older. And so you morfitt right. But again, it's, it's more of a like, oh, wow, I see how much attention you're putting into that. Rather than like, What a pretty drawing. So we tried to keep the judgment out, and then said, just kind of reflect on the process. The reason for that, is that that allows kids, kids to really soak up the scene part, right, that's, that's the whole goal of this is for kids to feel seen and connected to. And so when they, when you will reflect back to them what they're doing, it's like, oh, you see me I'm here, you're connecting with what I'm doing. And, and reflecting that.

  16:58

  With teenagers, we're not gonna do that, like, Ray, we're not going to play blocks and be we're not going to say, Oh, look at you, you put the blue block on the red ones. So it's going to be more about just kind of tuning into what they're liking. Right? And so do you want to go shoot, shoot some hoops? Do you, you know, they're in their, in their room listening to music, you pop in, and, you know, reflect on what this music is. And, you know, tell me about tell me about this band, what do you like about it, that sort of thing. This is a one place where where my little, no screens thing can has some room to change. And that is the video game. So if your kids super into video games, then plop down and play a couple of video games for them. Just make sure that there's some dialogue, right that you guys are actually talking and not just kind of existing side by side.

New ADHD Moms:

Chaos, Coffee, and Coping Strategies

Ok.  Let's be real.  Motherhood is beautiful, babies are adorable, and creating life is almost indescribable.  But you know what?

Being a new mom is HARD.  Boobs-leaking, tears-flowing, I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing, I want to scream (and probably will) kind of hard.

But.

Being a new mom with ADHD?!?!?  Oh, my lordy!  That right there is reaching epic, superhero levels of difficulty!

So for all you Moms that no longer qualify as new - give yourself a giant pat on the back and hug- you did it; you got through!

And for those just about to enter this battlezone or currently in the trenches?

Well, first:  

Know that we are all here, cheering you on every step of the way. (In fact, let us show you how much we can cheer! Join our ADDept Facebook Group!)

And second:  
Grab those headphones, give the baby a bottle (or a boob), and let's dive in because I’ve got a podcast for you.  

Just the other day, Nikki Kinzer and Pete Wright of Taking Control podcast fame, invited me to come on and talk about this very thing.  And we had a blast, covering everything from:

• Why early motherhood is a time of frequent ADHD diagnosis: HINT: it’s got a lot to do with the fact you probably can’t even begin to recognize your life right at this moment!

• What types of ADHD tend to get diagnosed when women become moms.

• How to differentiate ADHD from all the other things happening in early motherhood

• The KEY factor that separates the ADHD parents that really struggle from those that don’t— you’ll be both surprised and utterly unsurprised by this one!

• The crucial role that hormones play in ADHD symptoms and medication efficacy and when they play out in a woman’s life

• The critical time of postpartum and that special mix of anxiety, depression, ADHD, and leaky boobs that brings such joy to new parent’s lives

• How your ADHD can actually be a gift to your kids

So check it out.  And when you’re done.  Handoff that delicious little baby and take a nap!  You deserve it (and so much more)!

Want to know more about Hormones and ADHD? Check out this quick infographic video post.

Want to parenting with ADHD strategies for success? Check out our free webinar!

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

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The past 2 years have taught me to embrace many things that my blissfully-niave-(and lets face it- annoyingly judgy) pre-COVID self would have shuddered to consider— nasal swabs, masks, elbow bumps and, yes, loads and loads of screen time for my littles.

Sure, I’d rather have my kids engaged, and playing and exploring the world with their two little legs and their awesome little brains. But, you know what? Mama’s got to work (and sleep and cook and clean and all the other things) and so sometimes that screen’s got to come back on.

But, in order to appease that old inner Karen, I’ve done a lot of researching the best educational apps and websites that can keep my littles busy. I asked family and friends, I read endless best lists and reviews, and explored and downloaded each and every one. So without further ado- here is my list of the top educational apps and websites to keep your toddler and elementary school-aged kids busy while stuck at home.

The Best Educational Apps and Websites for kids ages 3-8

Reading:

As someone who loves to read, watching my kids learn to read has been a parenting joy I never even imagined existed. We read all the time with our boys and it thrills me to see the boys reading together. But, these days? With full-time jobs and full-time parenting, I couldn't possibly read to them as much as they would like. Reading apps have been a nice supplement to the time we do spend with our beloved books.

• Teach your Monster to Read- Children ages 3-6 create a monster and take it on a magical journey improving their reading skills as they progress. Free on computer, $5.99 for the app

• ABC Mouse- This comprehensive, graduated learning program for kids age 2-8 takes kids on a learning adventure with games, books, puzzles, songs, and art. Free 30-day trial

• PBS kids reading games: Through the PBS site and app, you can stream videos and play games categorized by skill or character. The games themselves are pretty basic, but the kids love seeing their favorite characters, such as Wild Kratts, Pinkalicious, and Clifford. Free.

• Kahn Academy kids was created at Stanford and designed to inspire kids to love learning. It offers math, reading, writing, and socio-emotional games and activities for kids ages 2-7. Free on Apple and Google Play

• Homer Reading: We started with Homer when my oldest was 3. He loved the stories and the games, and we loved the research-based, personalized learning path that allowed him to learn through the subjects he was passionate about. The system is developed as an early reading program and is best suited for ages 2-7. Free 30-day trial, $7.99/mo thereafter.

Virtual Storytimes

One of the things I’ve been missed the most over COVID is storytime. I miss the warm cozy feel of my littlest's cuddly body curled up on my lap while someone else reads a story to us. But, in the time of Corona, we can do the same thing- but this time with a screen.

• Brooklyn Public Library- The librarians at the Brooklyn Public Library are offering live virtual storytimes on their Facebook page every weekday at 11am.

• Storytime Online- This mom of 2 reads popular children's books on her YouTube Channel.

• Storyline Online- This fun creation by SAG has videos of famous actors reading children's books of all kinds. You can see Bette White ready Harry the Dirty Dog or A Tale of Two Beasts read by Sarah Silverman.  

• Penguin Kids- Authors of the famous Penguin children's books are reading their stories at 11am each weekday on their Instagram account.

• Oliver Jeffers- The author of The Day the Crayons Quit reads one of his books each day at 11am EST live on Instagram.

Math:

My oldest always struggled to enjoy math- he got it, but he never really had fun with it. The math apps though- they make a game of it and now my little ones not only really know their math facts- they think it’s fun to play with numbers!

• Kahn Academy Kids- Kahn Academy is a super cute and interactive app for very young math learning- counting, number identification, and basic number concepts- developed by the Stanford Graduate School of Education. Free on Apple and Google Play

• ABC Mouse- Offers a step-by-step learning path based on age and experience in reading, math, social studies, and emotional skills with games, puzzles, and stories as well as rewards for each completed activity. The app is free for 30 days during the COVID19 crisis.

• Monster Math: Follow Monster Maxx on his quest to save his best friend while you complete various math-based activities to move through the journey. My somewhat math adverse oldest played Monster Math for 45 minutes happily today. Free for a 7-day trial, then 29.99/year after that.

• Splash Math: This visual learning, personalized, and adaptive path to math fluency is curriculum-based and has content for Kindergarten to Grade 5. The games are discontinuous but offer more variety than some of the other programs Free 7 day trial, $7.99/ mo. after 

• Moose Math: This fun, free app for Kindergarten and 1st graders, from the makers of Kahn Academy Kids, is based on the common core standards. The game provides rewards for kids when they complete an activity that allows them to build their own city. It's super cute, very kid-friendly and engaging and FREE.

Science:

My oldest is a huge science buff. Everything becomes an experiment, he is always testing "hypotheses," and he loves to observe, find, and collect. During the early COVID quarantine days, his favorite days on our calendar were science days. But I quickly started running out of experiments and activities to keep him amused. Spangler Science and these other apps came to my rescue in a big way- giving me tons of new ideas and experiments to try out ourselves.

• National Geographic Kids- This fun and educational site offer games, videos, animations, and puzzles about nature, animals, and the world. Some of its content is reading-heavy and, therefore, best suited to the older set, but the videos and games are great for everyone. Free.

• Code Spark- Coding isn't just for future tech wizards. Coding teaches problem solving, logic, math, and science. CodeSpark is a super engaging and interactive way for kids to learn the basics of coding through puzzles, challenges, games, and free coding opportunities. Free for 7 days, then $9.99 thereafter

• Cape May Zoo School- The Cape May Zoo is one of our favorite summer visits with its airy, park-like feel and its vast array of animals. During their 2020 pandemic closure, they broadcasted a tour and animal lessons daily that they have kept collected on their website.

• Spangler Science/ Spangler Effect:  The TV personality and Ellen favorite, Steve Spangler, offers cool, exciting experiments you can do at home on his youTube channel and website.

• Exploratorium Activities and Apps- The amazing San Fransisco Exploratorium is offering all of its activities, experiment, and apps completely free. The site is pretty reading-heavy, so likely better suited for older kids. 

Movement/ Yoga/ Meditation:

No matter what’s keeping us at home these days- snow days, quarantines, or closed facilities- just because we don’t have anywhere to go, doesn’t mean my littles don’t have LOTS of wiggles. So we got a little desperate to get them out sometimes- these apps have been an awesome supplement when Mama isn’t up for the 500th round of freeze tag.

• Cosmic Kids Yoga- Created by a yoga teacher in 2012, this app started out as youTube videos (and can still be seen on YouTube for free). She has since created an ad-free, upgraded app version that offers her signature yoga videos as well as meditations categorized by topic, length, or age. Free 2 week trial, $9.99/mo. after

• Go Noodle- Kids love this free and silly app and website, which offers video-based dance, yoga, and meditations. Free.

• Breathe, Think, Do with Sesame-  Your young child will laugh and learn as they help a Sesame Street monster friend calm down and solve everyday challenges with their Breathe, think do strategy. Free.

• Ninja Focus: Your little ninja will go on a journey of guided meditation, mindful activities, and yoga through this clever and engaging app designed to improve focus, sleep, and mood. Free with paid expanded content.

Music:

Nothing compares to being with other people making music together, but we don’t always have access to the music classes we love. During the initial stage of the pandemic, we were thrilled when 2 of our absolute favorites created online versions of their classes- my boys were thrilled.

• Mr. John’s Music: Mr. John’s Music is a Philadelphia treasure and legend. Classes regularly sell out within hours of posting online because parents enjoy the sessions as much as kids do. During the initial stage of the COVID crisis, they offered weekly Vimeo videos which have grown into a huge library of digital offerings. Grab some shakers and rock out to these awesome creatives.

• Music Super Heroes- Is a sweet, very kid-friendly app that teaches the basics of music theory- tempo, notes, rhythm, and instruments through a series of games and musical experiences. Kids get stars for completing games which "buys" them instruments from which they can record their own original songs—$ 1.99 in iTunes and Google Play.

Arts and Crafts

There are few better ways to explore the world and express your creativity than with arts and crafts. But I can exhaust myself with all the Pinterest searching that I have to do in order to keep my little crafters entertained. Enter- art apps and videos- they’re engaged and I get a free moment to read something other than “the 50 best at home crafts for toddlers.”

• Lunch Doodles with Mo Willems- These youTube based videos were a bright spot in our stay-at-home days and thankfully the Kennedy Center has kept them all archived to be enjoyed over and over. The Elephant and Piggie author reads his books, teaches kids to draw his characters, and speaks calmly and directly about this strange time we are all going through. Free printables are available for most episodes as well.

• Art for Kids Hub – This how-to-draw youTube series is a wonderful resource for the aspiring artist who wants to draw practically anything. Their YouTube channel offers tons of free video explanations and examples.

• Kids Art Spot is an app created by one of my favorite mom bloggers, The Artful Parent. The app includes art videos, drawing prompts, printable activities, and art invitations. 4.99-9.99/month.

Audio stories and Podcasts:

You've heard me talk about my love of audio stories for kids before. Not only do they teach incredible lessons, inspire their imagination, but they foster creativity and reflection in a way that other mediums can't. We use audio stories for quiet time, car rides, and whenever either of our kids just wants some quiet time alone. Both of my kids LOVE their audio stories, and I love all the joy, calm, and curiosity they bring.

• Sparkle Stories- Ever since my oldest gave up his nap over 3 years ago, he has been listening to sparkle stories faithfully every single day. These wholesome original audio stories are categorized by topic, age, character, or series and offer kindness, learning, and compassion with each word. This fantastic resource is offering a 30-day trial during the COVID crisis.

• StoryNory- is another excellent audio story option with free original, fairytale, educational, and children's classic stories.

• Story Pirates: Story pirates are a bunch of actors and comedians that act out stories written by kids resulting in complete silliness and fun.

• Wow in the World:  This science-based podcast explores the wonders of the world in a super fun and kid-friendly way that will inform even the most avid fact gatherer.

What are your go-to apps when you’re littles are stuck at home?

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

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How to Stop Blowing up at your Kids

(And how to fix it when you do)

One of my starkest parenting memories is the day that I yelled. I'm not talking about the garden variety "pick up your toys" or a "come here right now" kind of a yell- those are much too frequent to create stark memories. This was an I'm-so-frustrated-I-can't-take-it-anymore, top of the lungs, no words included kind of wild, crazy yell. It was so big and so loud, it drowned out my tears,made everyone scream in return and sent my ever-faithful dog sprinting to my side, sure I was mortally wounded.

I honestly don't even know what made me so mad. I only remember that both of my kids were crying, whining, and probably fighting. I also remember that the yell terrified us all.

Of course, at the moment, I felt like the worst mother on the planet.

But, really? I was probably just tired, overwhelmed, and at the end of my rope. And I know I'm not alone.  

Parenting can put us over the edge. These perfect little humans are our everything, and when they act out, it makes our everything feel unmanageable.

So you may be trying to answer emails on your phone while the kids are bickering in the background and then seemingly, without warning, you are absolutely fed up and yelling. None of you foresaw that switch being flipped, it just suddenly turned over, and now you are furious.

What is there to do? Are all ADHD parents destined to a life of blow-ups and regret?

No. Well, sort of no. Because ADHD parents are parents and are as human as anyone else- so there will be blow-ups, there will be tears, and there will be regret. But there are also 3 places along that path of ignoring, blowing up and guilt and shame to intervene and bring some peace to your home.

Intervention Stop #1: The Build Up

The build-up happens as kids get out of balance- when they get tired, cranky, lonely, bored, hungry, or feel unattended to. So keeping the build-up of anger from happening requires being on top of the little things that send their systems out of balance. I'll be honest. This is the hardest place for the ADHD brain to intervene because it requires a combination of attention, consistency, and routine (AAACKKK! – I know- those dreadful words!). But let's back up a moment and break it down. The 2 main things that can do to avoid the build-up are:

• Pay attention the signals your kids are giving you.  

  • Looking for signals that they are starting to get out of balance like: energy shifts (increasing lethargy or a sudden burst of energy), whining, complaining, sadness, wistfulness, beginnings of fights, annoyed or angry tones

  • When you see one of those signals- it’s a time to stop whatever you are doing and address the need before it builds

• Set routines to manage the things that get kids out of balance: sleep, food, attention, exercise.

  • Setting routines for those things erases the vast majority of the build up because the routine assures those needs are met.

  • Creating routines is tricky with and ADHD, though, so be sure to check out the ADDept routine builder workbook for a step-by-step, ADHD-friendly process for creating (and keeping) routines that work.

Intervention Stop #2: The Blow Up

This is where the STOPP method comes in super handy. Finding the way to take space from it all to calm your system so that you can think clearly is the ticket out of a meltdown.

Stage 3: The Repair

You missed the warning signs, and you couldn't STOPP before the blow-up. That's okay. It happens.

You don't have to succumb to the wall of regret and shame because this is the 3rd place to intervene. And honestly, this is a great one- this is the one that teaches, from example (the best way to teach) that it is okay to mess up, that it is essential to take responsibility for our mistakes and what a good apology looks and feels like.  

This is key- we feel so much shame when these blow-ups happen. Sometimes that shame can lead to hiding.  But this is a critical lesson for our kids to learn and if you were perfect and never once blew up or hurt them or made a mistake how would they ever learn the power and the beauty of a good, heartfelt apology and repair?

So don’t hide. Lead by example and show them what it looks like to take responsibility for your actions, to apologize for your piece in something while allowing space for their feelings and then move on. 

Kids learn and benefit from your example at each one of these stages. Of course, we want to minimize the frustration building, the bad behavior, and the blow-ups, but the repair lesson is critical too. So examples at each stage are crucial to their development.

And so, after my great big, end-of-my-rope yell, I apologized as quickly as I could. Then, later that night, as I put my oldest to bed, when we had both cooled down and has some quiet time together, I said: "I am sorry I got so frustrated earlier today. You didn't deserve that. Mommy should have stepped away and calmed down before I yelled. How did my yelling make you feel?" After telling me about how scared and nervous he felt, I said: “Yeah- I bet- it was a kind of scary thing to do. Im really sorry I did something that made you feel so bad.”

That process can be hard. I still felt really bad about the whole thing. But the reward? The sweet warm, little-boy hug and kiss I got in return as he looked in my tearful eyes and said: "It's okay Mommy, I love you."

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

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Parenting is perhaps the greatest challenge of our lives. Here we are doing this thing that can feel more important than anything we have ever done, but no one ever really trained us for it. It has endless parts to it and requires more executive functioning energy than any other single aspect of our life. And yet it also offers greater love, joy, meaning, and laughter than any other aspect of our lives and so we keep on working at it.

With an ADHD brain, the parenting challenges are amplified and it can feel impossible to keep the many plates of parenthood spinning (chores, naps, lunches, trips and homework just to name a few). Technology, while sometimes making all this plate spinning more difficult, can also offer an assist. So- we might as well harness the power to our benefit and utilize it where it helps.

Here is my list of 11 amazing apps uniquely situated to help the ADHD brain rock this parenting thing.

Self Care Apps

I am putting this section first because there really is no one thing that is more important than self-care when you are a parent with ADHD. Your kids, your marriage, your family, and your friends all depend on you. They rely on you being your best self, and they suffer when you are not at your best. Not only that, but the ADHD brain does not take kindly to being ignored. In fact, ADHD symptoms increase exponentially when things like sleep, exercise, nutrition, and social support are not being adequately cared for. And, like all things with ADHD, the cruel irony is that the treatment for the symptoms is made harder by the symptoms themselves. So- why not use technology to help- even just one little push may be enough to get the ball rolling.

Distraction Management Apps:

Our screens offer endless distraction potential- we want to connect with our kids, but the constant alerts, chimes, notifications (and, of course, YouTube) can make it hard to stay present. And resisting that temptation? That is much harder than avoiding it. Resisting temptation requires willpower, which is a limited resource. Avoiding distraction, however, can be front-loaded (i.e., done ahead of time when you have the resources). Apps can help us avoid the distraction by limiting our most tempting and distracting sites during prime kid time (like after school, or during dinner or bedtime). This, in turn, can help us give our kids the face-to-face time they crave.

Screentime/ Parental Control App:

It’s a big world out there, and the internet makes it all so accessible to our kids. But trying to keep an eye on when and what that our kids are consuming on their screens is an impossible task for any parent. Parental controls offer peace of mind by restricting content that you deem unacceptable for your little. Screentime limits allow you to set rules around their screentime and then let the program keep that limit- no bargaining, whining, or acquiescing.

Organization App:

There is a lot to keep track of as a parent: permission slips, after school activities, school projects, doctors' appointments—- and that's just for the kids. You also have all of your deadlines, bills, meetings, and projects, and don't forget about meals, shopping, and vacations. Finding an app that can keep that all in one place, offer reminders, and tell you what you need to remember today and this week?- that is invaluable.

Baby Tracker App:

If you are in the infant stage, you know that you need to reserve every last drop of executive functioning energy you have. Your brain is so depleted from the endless tasks and sleepless nights that you don’t need one more thing to think about. And yet, knowing and understanding how much your baby is eating, sleeping, growing and developing can feel essential. Baby trackers do that all for you so you don’t have to remember how long little’s naps were last week or how many wet diapers she had next time the doctor or babysitter asks.

Chore Tracker Apps:

Sure, you can create elaborate sticker charts, but we all know what happens to them- they get used for a few days and forgotten about. Or they are faithfully utilized, but one change in the chore system means that a whole new one has to be made (noooooooooo you say remembering the 5 hours it took to perfect the last one). And yet, chore trackers are immensely useful and really do work when used. They allow parents and kids a visual reminder to complete the task, they offer an immediate reward, and they allow kids the opportunity to practice working towards a larger goal. So—technology to the rescue!— digital chore charts. I am listing my 2 favorites- one for older kids who are earning an allowance and one for younger kids who are earning stars towards rewards.

Quiet time App:

I can't stress enough the value of quiet time in the middle of the day (once naps are a thing of the past) both for parents and younger children. The ability to unplug from the hectic pace of the day and just rest is priceless for kids. It allows their brains to recharge and consolidate the information that they took in that morning, and it will enable their bodies the chance to rest up for an afternoon of continued play and exploration. For ADHD parents- this time is a lifesaver. Its 2 hours of decreased demands, stimulation, and noise. It allows your nervous system— which let's be honest has just been highly taxed by all the noise and activity of your littles— a chance to settle down, reboot, and recharge for the afternoon ahead. This, often, is just what parents need to extend their patience, their energy, and their executive functioning capacity until bedtime.

Support apps for parenting children with special needs:

Being a parent can be the most wonderful experience of love and connection but it can also feel Intensely isolating and terrifying when those kids have special needs. Linking up with other parents who get it is an essential component to surviving. This is never more true than when you have ADHD yourself- the emotional and practical struggles of ADHD can lead parents to feel a wall of shame that keeps them from that valuable connection. Connecting over an app can sometimes be an easier entry point to be open and honest and start soaking up the benefit of connection.

Did I miss any? What are your favorite apps that make parenting easier for your ADHD brain? Let me know in the comments below!

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

Check out these other articles:

The Unbalanced Scales of Comparison

My Instagram feed is full of amazing women.  Mothers doing incredible things.  Baking bread from scratch, sewing gorgeous Halloween costumes, planning amazing adventures, going back to school to pursue their passions, running marathons and building businesses.  I have awesome friends and I am surrounded by privilege, strength, wisdom, persistence and skill.

On a good day, this is inspiring and affirming.  It gives me ideas and excites me about my own adventures.

On a bad day—  well, we all know what happens on a bad day.  It starts out innocently- she did what?  Wow.   How does she find the time?”  But then it moves to: “I could never do that.  What have I really even done?  My kids would be so much better off if only I were more/better/also doing …  and so on and so on.

Comparison is the thief of joy and the magnifier of pain.

If I have yelled at my kids that day or been too distracted or busy to give them my undivided attention or only got a grand total of 75 minutes with them because I was busy seeing clients.  It can be easy to see my friend’s smiling pictures, their amazing adventures, fun, educational classes and awesome achievements and feel lacking. 

And it’s one thing to feel lacking in my personal life but to feel lacking as a parent carries extra sting because then my I interpret my lack as impacting my children’s well-being and nothing is more important to me than that.

But really- what’s more unfair than comparing the highlights of my friend’s lives to my internal experience?  Most of them are not posting about their inner turmoil.  Even with recent swings towards authenticity on social media, I have yet to read a single person’s detailed account of losing their cool on their kids.  I don’t see anyone talking about all the hours they spent on email, laundry or other drudgery.  But when I am feeling bad about myself- those are the apples and oranges I use to compare as if they are completely equivalent.

I hear my clients doing this too.  Day in and day out amazing women will walk through my door and discount their accomplishments because they pushed the work to the last minute and felt frantic.  They look around at their colleagues and assume they all did their work ahead of time, calmly and coolly feeling confident and balanced throughout.  They see the success around them and compare how they FELT during their process to how other people PRESENT. 

Moms compare how they felt trying to get out of the door to go to school with the composed looks on other parents faces at drop off.  Lawyers compare their frantic race to write their brief on time with their colleagues composed presentation in court.  Doctors compare their internal confusion or questions about a difficult case with the polished presentations of their partners in case conferences.  It’s comparing our insides to someone else’s outsides.  We all do it and its unfair every time. 

Our insides (our feelings, our process, our struggles) are always going to be messier than other people’s outsides (their presentation, their accomplishments, their product).  Because the ADHD brain is less filtered than a neurotypical brain, sometimes that messiness spills from the inside to the outside. But I have yet to meet someone who shows to the world every bit of mess they feel.  Therefore, any comparison of what you feel with what someone else shows is going to be unfair.

So next time you hear yourself start the comparisons.  Stop. 

Remind yourself you can only see the tip of everyone else’s iceberg and you are not comparing equal categories.  If you need to compare, look at your positives- what adventures did you take?  What times did you show up with exactly what your kids needed?  What extra projects did you take?  What are you doing?   

Or better yet, don’t compare at all.  Turn off your social media, audit your self-talk at school drop off and talk yourself through the inevitable comparisons that slip through.  You are the only you there is and as long as you are working to learn and grow you are getting better and better each day.  So, give yourself a break, acknowledge your awesomeness and celebrate your accomplishments.

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

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Putting a STOPP to the Blow Ups

Helping your ADHD brain regain control when your kids are testing your limits

Last night was a rough one. My husband was at a work event, I had just finished one of my marathon days- 7 clients, 2 supervision sessions and several consult calls, and to top it all off I had just come down with a cold. I was tired, irritable and my kids were mimicking my mood. They were bickering, taunting each other and easily upset.

These days I don’t have that much time with my kids on an average weekday and so I try really hard to put the phone away, ignore the dishes and spend what little time I have with them truly engaging with them on their level. Last night was no exception. As I walked in the door, I put my bag down, took my shoes off and after kissing everyone hello I got on the floor and started playing.

But shortly after I sat down, the niggling, the whinging and the tattling began. The novelty of being at home was enough to sustain my patience for a few minutes but as my cold medicine started to wear off, my head started to pound and my tolerance grew very thin.

Parenting is hard. Our kids have the twin abilities of granting us both greater joy and greater frustration than any other person in the world. So keeping your cool is really tough. But when you have ADHD? The combination of your brain’s tendency to become flooded by emotion as well as its difficulty inhibiting impulses makes the standard struggles of parenting feel impossible at times.

Because of this, parents with ADHD often find themselves being overly harsh or too reactive. Their kids challenging behavior may become more irritating more quickly because of issues with sensory overstimulation and then because the ADHD brain struggles with regulation, it struggles to regulate the frustration that this overstimulation creates. As frustration floods the brain and nervous system it can feel impossible to inhibit the impulse to explode.

But we all know that over-reacting, exploding or yelling not only doesn’t work, it can be damaging to both a child’s relationship with you and their self-esteem. So how do you keep your anger in check?

The most important concept in keeping your cool with ADHD is creating space between stimulus and response. One of the biggest issues with the ADHD brain is that there is little space built in between what happens (stimulus) and what we do (response). For any of us, when we lack space between stimulus and response it means that our actions are almost always rooted in whatever emotion we are experiencing rather than from our thoughts, our desires, our plans, our values or our intentions.

When frustration mounts, a good, easy to remember the way to give yourself that space is the STOPP method:

Stop and step back What are the signs in your body that you are getting angry? Does your heart beat faster? Do you get hot and flushed? Does your thinking become clouded? As soon as you notice these signals that is when you want to stop, drop what you are doing and separate yourself from the situation. Last night I put down the legos, got up off the floor and walked into the kitchen out of sight of my boys.

Take a breath. Or 5 or 10, but make them slow and deep. This slows down that physiological process that is brewing in your body that ultimately results in the fight/flight response. If you can slow this system down you can get your brain back on board and make decisions from there instead.

Observe. Take a step back and look at whats going on in your mind and body. Last night, as I walked away, I could feel my heart pounding and a pressure building in my chest. I wanted to yell. I wanted to release that tension and I just wanted the bickering to stop.

Put in Perspective. Think about what is really happening, the larger context and the bigger picture. What advice would you give a friend in this situation? What are your larger goals and values.

Last night, my boys were being 2 and 5- they had had a long afternoon in each other’s company and they were looking for some mom time and vying for my limited, headache-adled attention. My fatigue and headache were really what was making the situation feel unbearable- my boys? They were just being boys.

Practice what works. Whats the next best step? If your friend was in your position, what would you tell them to do after you helped calm them down? What can you do that fits with your goals and your values in this situation?

The answer for me last night was to take a tylenol, give myself a few minutes on my own (glamorous minutes hiding in the pantry) and remind myself the key to my boys good behavior is almost always connection. I was then able to go back into the living room, look both boys in the eye, apologize for my rising frustration and explain about my headache. I then suggested that we try reading a book instead. This is an activity that often feels soothing and connected to my kids when they both feel “high need.”

The STOPP method is a great anger/ frustration/ behavior management for everyone because it slows down the automatic processes at play and allows the thoughtful, value driven self to come back online. For the ADHD brain, though, it sometimes takes a few preparation steps in order to have it be accessible when you need it most.

Identify your red flag sensations

• Because the ADHD brain often seems to act before it is even aware that thoughts are possible it helps to identify the cues that those feelings are brewing. These are the flags your body waves at you to tell you it needs some space and attention. So, think back- what was the most recent time that you acted from frustration/ anger/ irritation and responded to your kids in a way you didn’t like?

  • What was going on in your body? Was your heart starting to race? Did you notice yourself feeling hot or flushed? Did you notice tension rising in your shoulders/ neck or chest? Did you notice yourself feeling hot or flushed? Did you notice tension rising in your shoulders/ neck or chest?

These are your red flag signs. This is your body telling you: BE AWARE, YOUR BRAIN IS GOING OFF LINE AND IM GOING TO TAKE OVER NOW

As soon as you recognize this (and the more you practice it the sooner it will happen) you can separate yourself, calm your body down and start to bring your brain back on line.

Practice in low stakes situations first

The first time you picked up a basketball wasn’t your high school championship game. We need to practice our skills first, before putting them into action where they really matter. So try cueing into your body and your experiences during the non-high intensity situations first. Give yourself space even if you don’t think you are likely to lose it. Think through your values and priorities during low tension moments. Try out the STOPP method at home alone with your kids before trying it at the grocery store/ church/ your in-laws thanksgiving dinner table.

Get your kids in on the STOPP game

Not only is the STOPP method a great tool for kids to use in their own life to help them manage and control their own behavior and impulses. But teaching them about it also serves as an accountability tool for you. Kids have a keen eye for hypocrisy and empty words. My kids love to remind me when Im not following “the rules".” Sure, it can be annoying when they do so but it also has greater impact on me than almost anything else. So teach them the process and make it a team effort.

Create some visual cues

Are you most likely to lose your cool while rushing your kids off to school in the morning? Does dinner time craziness really drive you batty? Is it the bickering in the playroom that gets to you (like it does me?) . Try making some large stop signs and having your kids help you color them in. Then hang them prominently so you are sure to see them. Even if you don’t happen to notice them in the moment, your brain will see them throughout your day and note it. This makes it more accessible when you need it.

As always, practice progress not perfection

You didn’t see the red flags until 10 minutes after you flipped out?

Thats ok- happens to me all the time- look back over what happened, what the red flags were and if there is anything that you could do differently next time. Every blow up, raised voice or empty threat is a learning chance to see what you might be missing and incorporate it next time. It takes time to learn new skills. Be patient with yourself and keep trying. The one thing that is guaranteed to keep you where you are? Deciding your brain just CANT do it/ it doesn’t work for you/ or you will never be able to do it. Keep practicing and learning and be sure to acknowledge the progress you do make.

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

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The Day I Realized I had Cracked

The self-care imperative of parenthood

Last year, sitting on the train, staring out the window, I listened to Rachel Hollis’ Girl Stop Apologizing on audible. She was talking about the importance of self-care and before I knew it my view of the majestic Hudson river palisades was blurred by tears.

I’m an easy crier, but motivational audibles don’t usually start the waterworks. In that moment, however, I had been separated from my family for about 3 hours- enough time that the initial giddiness of being able to read a magazine uninterrupted, snack on whatever I wanted to and just wander at will without small people at my heals had worn off a bit and some of the self-doubt and mommy guilt was starting to roll in.

I was on my way to a solo retreat for 3 days. I was going to read, practice yoga, go on long solo runs, eat nourishing meals, sleep for 8+ consecutive hours, get massages and journal. I had never done anything like this and I have never spent so long away from my kids outside of a few work trips. But this wasn’t work- this was purely personal and purely with the hope of refueling me after a grueling winter.

As the train pulled farther and farther away from Philadelphia I began to feel more and more guilty- guilty that my husband was carrying the load, guilty that my kids were going to be without their mama and guilty that I was not doing all the things I usually do.

That’s why Rachel Hollis’ metaphor for self-care was so powerful and magically timed right then. She was talking about how we are all glass vases. We fill our vase with our love, passion, kindness, excitement, energy, and understanding. We want to share all that goodness with those we love. So we tip our vases a little to spill over onto our kids. We tip and wobble and spill a little more with our partners. Then we tip some more to spill over onto our parents, siblings, friends, and other loved ones. The problem is that the more we tip, the less we have in our vase and the farther over we have to tip to spill some over. Eventually, we fall over completely and because we are a delicate and precious vase, we are likely to crack, splinter or even shatter when we fall.

That’s what prompted this trip. I felt like I had tipped my vase over and over and over without refilling it and I had fallen enough times to start to show some cracks. I was cranky. I was yelling at my kids. I was not being very nice to my husband and I was probably not giving my client’s my best either. I felt bad. I was tired and drained and hated the way I was behaving but felt powerless to stop. I kept trying to give but coming up empty and it was causing me to feel resentful and cold.

I spent the first 24 hours of my retreat silent. I turned away from the communal tables and brought my kindle to read during meals. I didn’t join any of the group classes or activities. I read, I slept, I kayaked, I hiked and I ran- all on my own. By midday on the second day, I start to feel filled enough that I started to look up and join in. I talked with the person sitting next to me at dinner, I joined a group class on play and participated in a restorative yoga class by the river. I started to feel my soul fill and open again and I felt myself return to who I want to show up to the world as.

When I got home I was ecstatic to see my kids. I wrapped them in my arms and held them tight. I kissed my husband gratefully and I enthusiastically rejoined my family life and responsibilities. When I was asked to read Good Night, Good Night Construction Site for the 5th time that night, I did so happily without even skipping a single truck and when my kids broke into a fight over who got to play with the yellow truck the next day, I didn’t yell, I didn’t argue, I didn’t even sigh heavily. I was able to kneel beside them, connect with them and help them work it out for themselves.

The weekend allowed me to fill my vase. It filled it so much that it was overflowing and I couldn’t help but spill it over onto my family and friends. I didn’t have to tilt, bend or wobble- I could stand strong and still share that which fills me with those that I most want to share with. But, I knew that feeling wouldn’t last and I certainly can’t take a 3 day retreat every time I need a little fuel. So soon after my trip, I sat down and made a plan. What was I going to need in order to continually refill me enough that I could continuously overflow? I’ve played around with a couple different strategies/ activities and schedules but it usually includes a combination of exercise, date nights, dinners with friends, baths, reading, and creative passions). And I have learned to ask myself regularly- have I filled enough? How am I behaving toward the people in my life? Am I able to share generously or is it taking effort? If it takes effort- even if it’s not a Herculean amount, I know that I need to attend to my own passions to fill back up so that I can start to spill over.

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

Check out these other articles: