Is Your ADHD Partner Not Listening?

Here's Why, Along with 8 Game-Changing Solutions

“Hey, babe—Joey has tennis at 5:30 tonight. Can you grab milk on your way home?”
Mmhmm.
…15 minutes later…
“Wait, what’s happening tonight?”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

For couples navigating ADHD and relationships, moments like these can feel isolating. Missed details, forgotten tasks, and misunderstood conversations can chip away at intimacy, leaving partners feeling unheard or overwhelmed.

But here’s the thing: ADHD listening problems aren’t about love or effort—they’re rooted in how ADHD brains process information. Let’s explore why—and how to reconnect.

So, read on, dear unheard one

Why doesn’t my ADHD Partner Listen to Me?

*This post is about what happens to make a non-ADHD partner feel unheard or unlistened to.  But ADHD partners also feel unheard and unlistened too, often for different reasons.  That’s a whole other post (and one I’ll do shortly), but important to note here, too.

Most of the time (though obviously not all), when your partner doesn’t switch the laundry like you asked or has to ask you 10 times what time your kid’s soccer tournament starts, it’s not because they don’t care. It’s usually not even because they weren’t trying to listen.

Nope.

It’s actually about the way ADHD brains process information in conversation that gets in their way. In fact, there are 5 different spots along the chain of communication from out of your mouth and into their brain and awareness where ADHD can get in the way and cause the system to break down.

So, let's dig in and see what’s going on at each spot:

Communication Chain Breakdown Spot #1: Hearing with ADHD

Ok. We all know that Inattention is one of the core experiences of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) brains—it’s a busy brain. The ADHD brain doesn’t filter information coming in, so it’s processing ALL the things. It’s like the ADHD brain has 20 TVs on at the same time, all playing different channels.

And us partners? We’re just one more channel. Sometimes, we’re a really compelling channel, and our beloved ADHD partners can play ours louder than any other. But other times? Particularly when we ask them to pick their socks up off the counter. Well, then our volume’s not super loud.

This means that the ADHD brain often doesn’t hear us. The information never really reaches their brain because too many other things compete for its attention.

Communication Chain Breakdown Spot #2: Interrupting

You're in the middle of sharing a funny story about the time you accidentally locked yourself out of your house wearing nothing but a towel. Suddenly, your partner jumps in with their own story and completely changes the topic.

The conversation moves on. But you’re left feeling deflated, ignored, and maybe even a little bit invisible.

But here's the thing: it's not that your partner doesn't care about what you're saying or is intentionally trying to cut you off. It's actually more likely that what you were talking about excited your partner, and it sent their ideas flying, and then their brain, enraptured in this new excitement, barrelled through your story. Read more about interrupting when you have an ADHD brain here.

Regardless, though, interrupting can hurt. It can also mean that the information you were trying to convey might not actually make it into their ears and then into their brain. Missed info spot #2.

Communication Chain Breakdown Spot #3: Auditory Processing with ADHD

But that’s not the only thing, right? Sometimes, our partners really seem to be listening, and they’re sitting on their hands, holding back their interruptions, but they still seem not to process what we’re saying.

What’s that about?

Sometimes, it’s an issue with auditory processing.

Research suggests that between 30 to 50 percent of people with ADHD (1,2) also have auditory processing disorder (APD). This can make it hard to interpret what you’re hearing correctly, therefore making it hard to follow conversations or remember spoken instructions.

It’s not that people with APD don’t understand what words mean. It’s not even that they have a hard time hearing them. It’s that the cognitive processing needed to interpret the information gets confused or overwhelmed, causing people to miss or misunderstand information. Missed Info Spot #3

Communication Chain Breakdown Spot #4: Working Memory and ADHD

Even once the information has been heard and heard accurately, it then needs to be held onto long enough to file it away so we can access it again later.

That’s where working memory comes in.

Our working memory is where we hold information that we need to process later. Sometimes I like to think of this as the table that holds all the items we are going to put away. Everyone is granted a table at birth. We all have the ability to hold onto information actively.

But not everyone’s table is the same size. Some people have a banquet-sized table, able to hold piles and piles of things all at the same time. Others are granted more of a bistro table- you know- the ones suited for a micro espresso and croissant and absolutely nothing else?

And I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that ADHD brains are much more likely to have bistro tables. So they don’t have as much space to hold onto things and play around with them to get them into storage.

And not only that, but because ADHD brains tend to be filterless, they have a whole lot more things cluttering up that little bistro table. Which means all that great new information you’re handing your partner’s brain?

Well, it’s got a lot of competition for that tiny little space, and something’s going to topple off the table.

Communication Chain Breakdown Spot #5: Object permanence with ADHD

So your amazing partner and their frustrating but equally amazing brain manage to:

1. Pay attention to your request

2. Inhibit their impulse to interrupt you as you said it

3. Process the information correctly

4. Hold that request on their bistro table of working memory long enough to file it away into storage to be remembered when needed.

So we’re good- right?!?

Nope!

There’s one more step to this whole process. Now, they have to pull that information up exactly when it’s needed!

And here’s the really tricky thing about that. There is nothing there to cue their brain to pull that information up most of the time. There’s no note or sign or indication. There’s nothing. Nothing until they get home and your disappointed, frustrated face tells them everything they needed to know and remember oh so long ago.

It’s a matter of object permanence. ADHD brains tend to be hyperaware of everything that exists in their sphere of awareness (or their fishbowl, as I like to call it). But the moment something leaves that sphere, it disappears completely. This is the grown-up version of why peek-a-boo is so very fun for a 1-year-old and something I talk a lot more about here.

This fishbowl brain can’t cue up information just because it’s important. It needs to be compelled to, and there’s little around it to compel it to remember things until it’s often too late.

Unraveling the Impact: How ADHD Impacts Communication in Relationships

** Partnerships come in all shapes and sizes, and while I often talk about an ADHD partner and a non-ADHD partner, these are really more roles that we play rather than set identities. Often, in relationships between 2 ADHD brains, one will take the ADHD role, and one will take the non-ADHD role. Sometimes, in heterosexual relationships with a woman with ADHD and a man without ADHD, the woman can still take the non-ADHD role because of societal norms and pressures.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. That sounds hyperbolic- but really, it is. Communication is how we know each other. It’s how we connect, how we support, how we care, and it’s the foundation of our love. But it’s not only that. It’s also the basis of our day-to-day. It’s how we communicate what we need, how we can help, and where we’re supposed to be on any given day. So what happens when we struggle to listen or hear or understand?

Let's dive into the choppy waters of the impact this can have on relationships.

Feeling Unheard and Dismissed:

When one partner consistently struggles to listen, it can leave their partner feeling unheard and dismissed. It's disheartening to pour your heart out, share important thoughts, or even just your grocery list and have them seemingly fall on deaf ears. Over time, this pattern can erode trust and emotional connection, leaving the partners feeling isolated and undervalued.

Frustration and Resentment:

The inability to communicate effectively due to listening difficulties can lead to frustration and resentment within the relationship. Non-ADHD Partners may find themselves repeating their words, growing increasingly exasperated as their messages go unheard. Meanwhile, the ADHD partner may feel overwhelmed or frustrated by their own challenges in processing information and by their partner's frustration with them, creating a cycle of mutual frustration that strains the relationship.

Missed Opportunities for Connection:

When one partner struggles to listen, it can result in missed opportunities for genuine connection and understanding. Conversations become one-sided, with the non-ADHD partner feeling like they are constantly talking to a wall. The sense of shared experiences and emotional intimacy can diminish, leaving both partners longing for a deeper connection that seems just out of reach.

Building Walls Instead of Bridges:

The lack of active listening can build emotional walls within the relationship. The non-ADHD partner may hesitate to share their thoughts or emotions, fearing they won't be acknowledged or validated. In turn, the ADHD partner may feel disconnected or unaware of their non-ADHD partner's needs, further widening the divide between them. Over time, these walls can create a sense of emotional distance and hinder the growth of the relationship.

Navigating the Waves of Miscommunication: Strategies for ADHD Couples

Ok, so we know that keeping the lines of communication open and flowing smoothly feels like an adventure in itself (like life didn’t already have enough adventure built in!). But fear not, because some ADHD-friendly strategies can help you both navigate the wonderful world of communication together. Get ready to level up your connection game with these tips and strategies that will have you both feeling heard, understood, and closer than ever before. Let's dive right in, shall we?

8 Communication Strategies for Thriving ADHD Couples

1. Teamwork Makes the Dream Work:

Approach communication as a team effort and embrace a playful and supportive mindset. Try to do the hard thing of putting aside (for a moment) your resentment and frustration and try something new. You're a team, and by putting your 2 awesome brains together, you can find a way through this that works for you both.

2. Set weekly Relationship Roundtables (or whatever your ingenious minds want to call them)

Creating a special weekly tradition for ADHD couples to discuss logistics and important matters can be one of the single most useful strategies for improving communication and connection! Think of it as your very own "Relationship Strategy Time," where you come together to tackle the practical stuff with a touch of love and attention. Schedule a regular date and make it enjoyable by adding some snacks, cozy blankets, or even a game to play while you discuss. But be mindful of the setting and time.

Try to do this at a time when both partners’ resources are high and distractions are low to give everyone the best chance of success. This dedicated time allows you to navigate through the nitty-gritty details of life in a structured and supportive way. By setting aside this special time, you'll be able to address tasks, make plans, and handle challenges together, outside of the moment, in a way that feels partnered and supportive. Plus, it's a great opportunity to strengthen your connection and reinforce your commitment to working together as a team. So, grab your partner, set a date, and get ready for some relationship magic during your weekly logistics rendezvous!

3. The Power of Active Listening:

One of the easiest ways to get heard and feel connected is to listen and connect ourselves. Show your partner some love by practicing active listening. Give them your full attention, nod, and smile to let them know you're engaged and offer encouraging words to show you're genuinely interested in what they have to say, then reflect back on what they’ve said, asking clarifying questions to understand further. It can feel a bit cumbersome and awkward at first, but it’s amazing the power that active listening can offer in opening up communication on both ends.

4. Keep it Simple, Keep it Fun:

Break down complex information into bite-sized chunks to make it more digestible for both of you. Get creative and use colorful visuals, doodles, or even funny analogies to make the conversation lively and enjoyable. Whenever possible, have external visual aids- signs, reminders, and cues strategically placed to trigger that fishbowl brain into action!

5. Let's Make Some Ground Rules:

Set some ground rules for communication that reflect your unique needs and preferences as a couple. Maybe you have a secret handshake to signal when you need a moment to gather your thoughts, or perhaps you agree to take turns being the "official listener" during important discussions. Maybe you only discuss certain topics in certain places at certain times, so you designate the problem-solving corner or reflection couch. Find what works best for you, and sprinkle a little fun into the mix.

6. Embrace Technology, Hello Efficiency:

Harness the power of technology to simplify your communication. This goes a long way to help everything from the auditory processing to the working memory bistro table to the fishbowl brain. Taking much of the work out of the communication camp and putting it firmly in the outside resources camp. From shared to-do lists to shared calendars to fancy gamified chore charts, there's a world of possibilities to add a touch of fun and efficiency to your conversations. Embrace the digital realm and make it your own!

7. Dance to Your Own Beat:

Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to communication. Embrace your individuality and celebrate your unique quirks. Find your rhythm, whether it's through handwritten love notes, voice messages, or spontaneous dance parties to lighten the mood, but do what’s integral to you and your relationship, keeping your own spark and your own personality.

8. Love, Laughter, and Learning:

Above all, let love, laughter, and learning guide your communication journey. Embrace the joy of discovering new ways to connect and understand each other. Celebrate your victories, laugh at the little miscommunications, and always approach each conversation with an open heart and a smile.

When to Seek Extra Support

ADHD Partner Support | Couples Therapy for ADHD

Even with the best strategies, an ADHD marriage can feel overwhelming. If resentment lingers or communication stalls, know this: You don’t have to navigate this alone.

The Center for ADHD, a group practice that’s been dedicated to helping people with ADHD and their families for over 15 years, specializes in helping couples untangle ADHD-related challenges. Whether through ADHD Couples Therapy or Partners of ADHD Support Groups, they create spaces to:

• Learn ADHD-friendly communication tools

• Rebuild emotional safety and trust

• Connect with others who “get it.”

You deserve a relationship where both voices are heard. Explore our ADHD couples support options here to start your journey toward deeper understanding.

Frequently Asked ADHD Relationship Questions

• Q: Can ADHD relationship problems ever go away?

  A: Yes!... And No! The relationships you might be struggling with right now may feel overwhelming and insurmountable, and while relationships with ADHD brains can present unique challenges, it's important to remember that with understanding, support, and effective strategies, these problems can be managed and even overcome. ADHD relationships can thrive when both partners work together, communicate openly, and seek solutions that cater to their specific needs. By learning about ADHD, exploring techniques for improved communication and organization, and seeking professional help if needed, couples can navigate the challenges and build strong, fulfilling relationships. But, it's not about "fixing" ADHD, but rather finding ways to adapt and support each other on this journey. With love, patience, and a positive mindset, ADHD relationships can absolutely flourish.

• Q: What can I do about non-ADHD spouse burnout?

  A: Non-ADHD partner burnout is a real thing. It’s the feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm that some non-ADHD partners feel as the result of feeling like they have to over-function all the time. If you are feeling some of that non-ADHD partner burnout, it’s essential to communicate openly but constructively with your partner and discuss how their behavior is affecting you and your relationship. Gaining support from a support group or therapist who understands the impact of ADHD on relationships can also be a vital step and help you take care of your own needs and prioritize your mental and physical health. It’s also important to have things that are just for you- activities, goals, friendships- things that fill you up and keep you going outside of the relationship. Remember, it's okay to take a break from the relationship to care for yourself and seek the help you need.

• Q: My partner has ADHD. What's the difference between hearing and listening in relationships?

  A: Generally speaking, hearing refers to the act of perceiving sound, while listening refers to the act of paying attention to and understanding the meaning of what is being said. In terms of relationships, hearing can imply a passive reception of words without necessarily processing or acting on their meaning, while listening suggests an active engagement with the speaker and a desire to understand their perspective. Good listening skills are a crucial component of healthy relationships as they promote empathy, understanding, and effective communication.

Sources:

1. Riccio CA, Cohen MJ, Garrison T, Smith B. Auditory processing measures: correlation with neuropsychological measures of attention, memory, and behavior. Child Neuropsychol. 2005 Aug;11(4):363-72. doi: 10.1080/09297040490916956. PMID: 16051564.

2. Riccio, C. A., Hynd, G. W., Cohen, M. J., Hall, J., & Molt, L. (1994). Comorbidity of central auditory processing disorder and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 33(6), 849–857. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004583-199407000-00011

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How to Keep the Spark Alive in the Bedroom

ADHD can bring both challenges and unique strengths to the bedroom. On one hand, distractibility, sensory overload, and impulsivity can disrupt intimacy, making it harder to stay present or maintain momentum. On the other hand, ADHD traits like hyperfocus, spontaneity, and creativity can lead to thrilling, deeply connected, and adventurous sexual experiences. By understanding how the ADHD brain works—whether it’s channeling hyperfocus for intense connection, using mindfulness to stay present, or creating sensory-friendly environments—we can sidestep potential obstacles and tap into our strengths.

Let’s face it—ADHD doesn’t just show up in your work emails or your cluttered kitchen. It can also make a surprise appearance between the sheets. Whether it’s the thrill of spontaneity or the frustration of getting distracted mid-kiss, ADHD can make sex feel like a field full of hidden landmines. 

But don’t you worry—this doesn’t mean your sex life is doomed. Like so many things ADHD, with a big dose of understanding and a splash of creativity, ADHD can actually add some extra spice to your intimate moments.  

So, let’s dive into how ADHD plays out in the bedroom, explore the challenges, and share some ADHD-friendly sex tips to keep things hot, fun, and fulfilling.  

ADHD and Sex: The Good, the Bad, and the Unexpected

Sexual intimacy can be a source of joy, connection, and, let’s be honest, a whole lot of fun. But for those with ADHD, it can also come with its own set of quirks. 

Research shows that ADHD is linked to lower sexual satisfaction (Soldati et al, 2020) and often sexual dysfunction (Hertz et al, 2020). But it’s not all doom and gloom.  Some studies have found that stimulation-loving ADHD brains also have higher levels of sexual desire and a greater openness to sexual exploration (Soldati et al, 2020). This can lead to a more adventurous and fulfilling sex life, as long as both partners are on the same page.  

The key is understanding how ADHD affects your sexual experiences and finding ways to work with—not against—your brain’s unique wiring.

ADHD Superpowers (and Challenges) in the Bedroom 

When ADHD makes a cameo in the bedroom, it, of course, brings its signature mix of spontaneity, creativity, and, yes, the occasional distraction. So, let’s break it down: the good, the bad, and the downright fascinating ways ADHD can play out between the sheets. 

Impulsivity: Spontaneity and Fun vs. Risky Business

Stemming The Risk

Impulsivity is a hallmark of ADHD, and in the bedroom, it can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can lead to thrilling, spur-of-the-moment encounters that keep things exciting. On the other hand, it can also lead to risky behaviors, like skipping protection or diving into situations without thinking them through. Studies have shown that individuals with ADHD are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors, increasing the risk of STIs (Hosain et al, 2012).  

ADHD Sex Tip #1: Always Be Prepared

Channel that spontaneity into safe, consensual fun. Keep condoms handy, set boundaries, and communicate openly with your partner (outside of the hot, steamy moment) about what feels good—and what doesn’t. 

Spontaneous Desire

Impulsivity can also act up when our sexual impulses don’t quite fit the occasion or amount of time we have (I’m looking at you “I’ve got 5 minutes before I have to leave for work”!), leading to frustration or missed appointments. 

But that fun, sexy thought doesn’t have to be a one-and-done thing—it can actually be a tool for building serious sexual tension. Channel that energy into keeping the spark alive throughout the day. Send flirty texts, leave cheeky notes, or steal a quick kiss when your partner least expects it. Think of it as foreplay for your brain. These little moments of connection can create a delicious buildup of anticipation, making the eventual payoff even hotter.  

ADHD Sex Tip #2: Embrace the Sext

ADHD brains are great at thinking outside the box. A playful meme, a voice note, or even a strategically placed sticky note can turn an ordinary day into a series of sexy surprises. By the time you’re both free to play, the excitement will be through the roof.  Just double-check who you’re messaging before you press send! 

Distractibility: When the Ceiling Fan Steals the Show

Let’s talk about one of ADHD’s most notorious party crashers: distractibility. Ever found yourself mid-romp, only to get sidetracked by the pattern on the curtains, the sound of a car alarm outside, or even a random thought like, “Did I remember to feed the dog?” Yep, that’s ADHD distractibility in action. While it can be frustrating, it’s not a dealbreaker—it’s just your brain doing what it does best: bouncing from one thing to another. 

Of course, we know that distractibility is a core symptom of ADHD, affecting up to 90% of adults with the condition (Barkley, 2015). But we don’t always think about it in regards to sex.  And yet, ADHD doesn’t turn off when the lights dim, and so our distractible brains can lead to difficulty staying present and fully engaged with our partner. One study found that individuals with ADHD were more likely to report “mental distractions” during sex, which can reduce both satisfaction and emotional connection (Wallin et al., 2022).  

But distractibility doesn’t just show up as wandering thoughts. It can also manifest in other ways that impact your sex life, like:  

Losing Momentum: Distractions can interrupt the flow of intimacy, making it harder to stay in the moment and maintain arousal.  

Missing Cues: If your mind is elsewhere, you might overlook your partner’s verbal or nonverbal signals, leading to misunderstandings or missed opportunities for connection.  

Overthinking: Distractibility can sometimes spiral into overanalyzing, making it hard to relax and enjoy the experience.  

ADHD Sex Tip #3: Quiet the Distraction Circus 

Before things heat up (or during a quick pause), clear the stage—mute the TV, dim the lights, and create a distraction-free zone.  

If your brain’s the main culprit, try a pre-sex “mind dump” to clear mental clutter or opt for morning sex when your focus is sharper. And yes, mindfulness can be a game-changer—tune into your senses (what you see, hear, feel, taste) to stay grounded in the moment.  

Small shifts can make a big difference in keeping the spotlight where it belongs.

ADHD Sex Tip #4: Use Distractibility to Your Advantage  

Believe it or not, distractibility can actually be a strength in the bedroom. If your mind tends to wander, use it as an opportunity to explore new sensations or try something different. For example, if you notice your attention drifting, switch up your position or introduce a new element, like a massage or a playful game. This can keep things fresh and engaging for both you and your partner.  

Hyperfocus: The ADHD Secret Weapon (and Its Kryptonite)

If distractibility is ADHD’s annoying and often painful trickster, hyperfocus is its superhero alter ego. Hyperfocus is the ability to zero in on a task or activity with such intensity that the rest of the world fades away.

In the bedroom, this can be a game-changer- allowing you to be so fully present and attuned to your partner that every touch, every sound, and every moment feels electric- making for some truly unforgettable experiences.  But like all great advantages, it comes with a dangerous downside that we need to be cautious of as well.

The Cons of Hyperfocus in the Bedroom  

But like all superpowers, hyperfocus comes with its vulnerabilities. The same intensity that makes it a strength can also lead to challenges:  

• Tunnel Vision: Hyperfocus can make it hard to notice your partner’s subtle cues or changes in their mood. You might be so engrossed in the moment that you miss signals they’re ready to switch things up—or stop altogether.  

• Time Blindness: Ever looked up after what felt like five minutes, only to realize an hour has passed? Hyperfocus can warp your sense of time, which might leave your partner feeling overlooked or exhausted.  

• Emotional Overwhelm: The intensity of hyperfocus can sometimes spill over into emotional overwhelm, making it hard to transition back to “real life” after an intimate moment.  

ADHD Sex Tip #5: Balance Hyperfocus with Awareness 

To make the most of hyperfocus, it’s important to stay attuned to your partner’s needs. Check-in regularly—verbally or nonverbally—to ensure you’re both on the same page. If you notice your partner seems distracted or uncomfortable, take a breath and adjust your approach.  

ADHD Sex Tip #6: Set a Time Limit  

If time blindness is an issue, consider setting a (or several) reminders (like a timer on your phone) to help you stay aware of how long you’ve been having sex. This can help prevent burnout and ensure that both you and your partner have a balanced experience.  

The Pros of Hyperfocus in the Bedroom 

• Intense Connection: Hyperfocus can help you to be fully present, making your partner feel seen, heard, and desired.  

• Creativity Unleashed: ADHD brains are known for their out-of-the-box thinking, and hyperfocus can amplify this. You might develop new ideas, techniques, or ways to keep things exciting.  

• Heightened Sensations: When you’re hyperfocused, every touch and sensation can feel more vivid and intense, leading to a more pleasurable experience.  

ADHD Sex Tip #7: Use Hyperfocus to Explore New Territory  

Hyperfocus can be a powerful tool for experimentation. Use it to explore new techniques, positions, or fantasies you and your partner have been curious about. The key is to communicate openly and make sure both of you are comfortable and enthusiastic about trying something new.  

Sensory Overload: When the Bedroom Feels Like a Sensory Circus

Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get enough airtime in the ADHD-and-sex conversation: sensory overload. For ADHD brains, the world can feel like a high-volume, high-definition movie playing on loop, in fact, the white coats agree- 70% of people with ADHD experience heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli (Panagiotidi et al., 2017)

Why? 

Because ADHD often comes with a filterless processing style, meaning your brain takes in all the sensory information—every sound, texture, smell, and sight—without prioritizing what’s important.  

Now, imagine this filterless brain in the middle of sex, where there’s already a lot going on: the feel of skin, the sound of breathing, the texture of sheets, the smell of candles (or, let’s be real, the dog farting in the corner). Suddenly, that scratchy tag on the pillowcase feels like sandpaper, the flickering candlelight is giving you a headache, and the lube you’re using feels way too sticky. 

Before you know it, your brain has hit the panic button, and your body is in full fight-or-flight mode. Sexy? Not so much.  

Just a Few of the Ways Sensory Overload Can Derail the Mood 

• The Itchy Sheet Dilemma: One minute, you’re in the zone, and the next, you’re hyper-aware of the scratchy fabric beneath you. Suddenly, all you can think about is how much you hate these sheets.  

• Lube Woes: Lube is supposed to make things smoother, but if the texture feels off, it can become a major distraction. Too sticky? Too slippery? Your brain won’t let it go.

• Friction Frustration: Even the slightest discomfort—like a partner’s stubble or an awkward angle—can pull you out of the moment and into a spiral of sensory irritation.

• Fight-or-flight Response: When sensory overload hits, your nervous system can go into overdrive, triggering a stress response that shuts down arousal and leaves you feeling tense and disconnected.  

Sensory overload might feel like a mood killer, but with a little creativity and communication, you can turn your bedroom into a sensory haven. By understanding how your brain processes sensory input and taking steps to minimize overwhelm, you can keep the focus on what really matters: connection, pleasure, and a whole lot of fun.  

ADHD Sex Tip #8: Experiment with Sensory Tools  

Not all sensory input is bad—some can actually enhance the experience. Try incorporating sensory tools like weighted blankets, silk robes, or even temperature play (think warm massage oils or cool ice cubes) to create a more pleasurable environment. The key is to find what works for you and your partner.  

ADHD Sex Tip #9: Take Breaks and Reset  

If sensory overload strikes, don’t push through it. Take a break, breathe deeply, and reset. A quick pause to adjust the environment or switch positions can make all the difference. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun, not a sensory obstacle course.  

Final Thoughts: Turning ADHD into a Bedroom Asset

Living with ADHD can bring its own unique flavor to your sex life—sometimes unpredictable but often full of energy, creativity, and spontaneity. While it’s true that ADHD might present challenges, like distractibility or difficulty staying present in the moment, it also brings a host of qualities that can make intimacy more vibrant and exciting (I’m looking at you, spontaneity and hyperfocus!).  

The key to ADHD sex is the same as the key to the rest of our lives as well- it’s embracing the strengths that ADHD brings while finding external strategies to navigate the challenges. 

Open communication with your partner, a willingness to experiment, and a good sense of humor can go a long way in turning potential obstacles into opportunities for connection. ADHD doesn’t have to be a barrier to a fulfilling sex life—it can be a source of excitement, playfulness, and deeper intimacy.  

If you’re curious about how to harness the unique strengths of ADHD in your intimate life or want support in addressing specific challenges, we’re here to help. At The Center for ADHD, we specialize in ADHD sex therapy and are passionate about helping individuals and couples create a more satisfying and connected sexual experience.  

Take the first step toward a more vibrant and fulfilling sex life—book a free consultation today, and let’s explore how we can work together to make your ADHD a true asset in the bedroom.

• References:

  • Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. Guilford Press.  

  • Hertz, P. G., Turner, D., Barra, S., Biedermann, L., Retz‐Junginger, P., Schöttle, D., … & Retz, W. (2022). Sexuality in adults with adhd: results of an online survey. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.868278

  • Hosain, G. M., Berenson, A. B., Tennen, H., Bauer, L. O., & Wu, Z. H. (2012). Attention deficit hyperactivity symptoms and risky sexual behavior in young adult women. Journal of Women's Health, 21(4), 463-468. https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2011.2825

  • Panagiotidi, M., Overton, P. G., & Stafford, T. (2020). The relationship between sensory processing sensitivity and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder traits: a spectrum approach. Psychiatry Research, 293, 113477. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2020.113477

  • Soldati, L., Bianchi-Demicheli, F., Schockaert, P., Kohl, J. P., Bolmont, M., Hasler, R., … & Perroud, N. (2020). Sexual function, sexual dysfunctions, and adhd: a systematic literature review. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 17(9), 1653-1664. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.03.019

  • Wallin, K., Lundell, I. W., Hanberger, L., Alehagen, S., & Hultsjö, S. (2022). Self-experienced sexual and reproductive health in young women with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a qualitative interview study. BMC Women's Health, 22(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12905-022-01867-y

ADHD brains get a bad rap in relationships. All too often, the forgotten tasks, the unbalanced checkbooks, and the interrupted conversations take center stage while the love, energy, and pure heart of our ADHD partners and their brains get short shrift. But most of the time, it’s exactly that fun, energetic, expansive mind that attracted us to our partners, to begin with. So let’s take a moment and celebrate and love on all the beauty of our ADHD partners and their brains.

I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating- my husband is awesome. He brings boundless love, energy, passion, and laughter to our family’s life.

Part of his awesomeness is his love of life, part is his generous heart, and part is his neuro-atypical brain. Sure, I can complain about the open cabinet doors, the socks on the kitchen counter, or the forgotten milk, but you know what?

I don’t love my husband in spite of his ADHD. I love him, in part because of his ADHD.

He brings so much love and joy to our family’s life, and part of that is because of the unique ways in which his brain works.

And it’s easy to take that for granted. It’s easy to see the way his brain rubs up against the demands of our neurotypical world and see the problems. But without his ADHD, my husband (and every other amazing ADHD brain I know) wouldn’t have the same sparkle, joy, and passion that energizes the lives of everyone lucky enough to spend time with him.

So let’s take a break for a moment from talking about the struggle and friction, and let’s celebrate what we love about our ADHD partners and their brains.

I’ll start.

Here are my top 7 favorite things about loving and being loved by that particular ADHD brain.

1. He always makes us laugh

   When my kids were really little, I used to refer to myself as the “captain of comfort” and my husband as the “captain of fun.” I’m great at the cuddles, kissing the skinned knees, and making sure the snacks are packed. But the person that brings the fun, the laughter, the excitement to the house? That’s my husband all the way.

   He’s the one who initiates the dance parties, he builds the biggest, coolest Lego towers, he plays every sport known to man, and when they were little, he would regularly transform an ordinary stroller into a rocket ship headed straight to the moon.

   All this fun and laughter doesn’t just keep us entertained; my husband knows from his own life and his own struggles the power of humor and is teaching our boys (and me, too- though I’m a much slower learner) to laugh ourselves through our own struggles, failures, and foibles as well.
   

2. His love of adventure has added endless joy and passion to all of our lives

   My husband doesn’t like to sit still. His idea of an ideal vacation or weekend is one full of activity, thrill rides, and adventure. At the beginning of our marriage, this was a bit of an issue- we spent many vacations with me lying on a beach, squeezing my eyes shut, pretending to sleep, ignoring his pokes, nudges, and requests to go do something.

   I haven’t totally lost my love of lying around doing little more than turning pages or flipping sides. But I have, grudgingly, at first, joined many of his activities and found I love them too.

   As our boys have gotten older, we’ve come to love this difference in energy levels even more. My kids always have a playmate, and I get to read the next chapter…

3. He’s quick to forgive and forget

   My husband’s ability to forgive is his superpower. And it’s one that has been an endless boon for our marriage. I get mad, and I hold on to it. I fester and remain aloof until enough time has passed for my resentment to begin to thaw. On my own, I can simmer for days…. weeks, really.

   My husband, though? One heartfelt apology and a quick joke, and he is right back to his normal, happy, loving self. He doesn’t hold on to his feelings. Once a fight/ disagreement/ annoyance is resolved, he’s good.

   And you know what? It’s hard to hold onto resentment when the other person has fully recovered. Which means I thaw much faster as a result.

4. He’s quick to apologize

   Having an ADHD brain in our neurotypical world brings you up close and personal with a whole host of moments of visible friction- missed appointments, late papers, and over-drafted accounts.

   All this friction provides for a whole lot of experience with 3 words that the rest of the world (myself included) sometimes have a VERY hard time saying: I am sorry.

   The side effect of an oft-apologizing life?

   Well, for my husband (and many ADHD brains), it means he’s super efficient and effective at it. This has been such an amazing lesson for me. I’ve always struggled with saying I’m sorry, feeling buried beneath mountains of shame that kept me from repairing my harms.

   But after a decade and a half of watching my husband own each misstep with grace and ease, I’m starting to step out from that shame and own my part in things too.
   

5. He teaches me to ease up.

   The combination of my less neuro-atypical brain, linear thinking, and perfectionism can cause me to go, go, go. My goals have goals. When we come home from vacation, I immediately go to unpack the bags. My husband? He wants to sit on the couch, surrounded by a sea of luggage, sports equipment, and toys, and talk about how much fun we just had.

   I may not be always willing or able to join in his reverie, but watching his tendency to savor his experiences and relish in relaxation throughout the day offers a daily challenge- Can I set down the dishes and join the dance party or leave the unpacking for tomorrow so that we can all cuddle in front of the fire and talk about our awesome trip?

   Witnessing his ability to just be inspires me daily to set down my goals from time to time and enjoy my life.

6. His ability to be in the moment.

   We talk about ADHD brains struggling to be present because of the 20 different channels that play in their brain at any given moment. And while that’s true sometimes, ADHD brains (and my husband’s ADHD brain in particular) are also capable of an “in the moment” presence that feels awe-inspiring.

   I see my children blossom when they catch the light of his presence. I feel my own heart open and flourish when that all-on attention is focused my way. Few things feel better than having the full attention of someone you love, and few brains do that hyperfocused presence than an ADHD brain.

7. His endless heart

   Technically, it’s justice sensitivity, and I see the heartaches it brings.

   But I also see the heart.

   I see how my husband (and so many ADHD brains) feel for people. People he’s never known, never met, and had almost nothing in common with. He doesn’t do what so many of us do (myself included)- wall his heart off with ridiculous subconscious rationalizations. He just feels and connects and is inspired each and every day to do good.

   That heart inspires me, my kids, and so many others to connect, feel, and do more good each day.

I may not recognize it every day, but I’m really darn lucky. I get to spend my life with an incredible guy with an incredible brain, and I’m so grateful for all the twists, turns, laughs, and loves that it brings to our lives.

If your partner has ADHD- what do you love about the way their brain works? If you are the partner in your relationship with ADHD- what does your brain’s unique wiring offer your relationship? What are the gifts your ADHD brings?

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

Check out these other articles:

Sick of the constant skirmishes over household chores in your ADHD relationship? 

I feel you!  It’s exhausting!  The never-ending resentment, score-keeping, snide remarks, and withheld comments make you want to run back to bed, pull the covers over your head, and wait for Mary Poppins to sweep in and wave her magic umbrella!

But ADHD brains in relationships– especially when paired with neurotypical partners– are particularly built for this exact kind of conflict.  This makes ADHD relationships feel like they are constantly on the battleground of the Chore Wars, leaving both partners feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and stuck in a cycle of feeling unappreciated and unseen. 

In this excerpt from the Webinar, Loving ADHD, hosted in a joint collaboration between Rittenhouse Psychological Services and ADDept.org, we explore the unique brain differences that underlie this difficult dynamic.

But fear not, because this video isn't just about identifying the quirks that fuel those conflicts; it's about discovering ingenious solutions that will have you dancing around the house with joy!

Get ready to explore how the beautiful differences between ADHD and non-ADHD brains can actually become superpowers in setting up systems that not only reduce conflict but also celebrate each other's unique strengths. 

So grab your popcorn, settle into your comfiest spot, and prepare to be entertained, enlightened, and inspired by this fantastic video on how to end the chore wars in our ADHD relationships. Let's embark on this adventure together!

And then.  Once that oh-so-much-more-than-pesky issue of Chore Wars has been tackled, sign up, and I’ll send you the full webinar where we tackle the 2 other biggest issues in ADHD relationships: big emotions and feeling unseen and unheard.

Not a video watcher?  I’ve got ya!  There’s a full transcript below 😀

• Transcript

  0:00

  I do want to just say for those of you who are parents or grandparents of folks with ADHD, these dynamics, while we're talking about intimate relationships, specifically, really, these dynamics exist in any kind of relationship, right. And so you're gonna see a lot of parallels in both the issues and kind of the solutions, that, hopefully you can apply to those relationships as well.

  So ADHD relationship number one issue: chore wars. And I probably don't need to paint the scene for you guys. Because there are very few ADHD households that aren't familiar with some version of this, but we're gonna paint it anyways. Because step one is always to kind of figure out what's at play here, what, what's the situation and really kind of define it as clearly as possible.

  So, in most ADHD relationships, and again, it doesn't really matter whether there are two ADHD or is or just one. But in most ADHD relationships, there tends to be a quote-unquote, “over-functioner”, and a quote-unquote “under functioner”. And typically, if it is an ADHD and neurotypical relationship, the neurotypical person tends to fall in the over functioner category, and ADHD, brain tends to fall in the under functioner category. But again, that doesn't necessarily have to be sometimes those roles can flip.

  So the over-functioner tends to be kind of the busy bee, right? And they tend to take on a whole lot of the tasks; they often feel like things need to be done in a particular way, and they have a lot of feelings about how things should be done. And oftentimes, the over-functioner becomes an over-functioner because, for whatever reason, the tasks of the household, the tasks of the couple, may be easier, for whatever reason that is, and or just kind of line up more with their motivations, their desires, their abilities. And so they tend to take on more of these tasks. And they tend to feel like they have to do it. All this ends up leaving them pretty resentful and angry, it often make them feel unappreciated and dissatisfied.

  But you know what? on the flip side of that coin, the under-functioner also ends up resentful and angry and feeling unappreciated and feeling dissatisfied because the under-functioner, the one who is, you know, doing least or at least kind of that's, that's their role. They often end up feeling like they have less say in how things run and feel really guilty and shamed. They feel like they can't do it right. Oftentimes, the over-functioner has a lot of feelings about how things need to be done. And so the under functioner kind of, it's like, well, I can't even do it right anyways, so why bother? And oftentimes, the under-functioner becomes the under-functioner, or because, for whatever reason, those tasks might be harder, right? And if we're talking about a typical neurotypical/ ADHD relationship, oftentimes those tasks are harder because a lot of chores don't line up all that well for ADHD brains.

  And we're going to talk a little bit about why in a moment.

  3:46

  So we have somebody kind of doing a whole lot, and somebody's doing less and a whole lot of resentment, and bitterness and anger between them going both ways.

  So what are the brain differences at play here?

  If you have a neurotypical, an ADHD brain, we have a couple different differences in terms of how these brains work that play into this issue.

  So the first issue and honestly, there are more than two for chore wars. We're gonna name the two really big ones that play. But there are actually more differences at play here. But these are the kind of the two biggest ones that we really need to be addressed.

  So the first brain difference that comes up for Chore Wars is motivation.

  So any brain doesn't matter what nerd type you are. Anything any brain needs to have enough motivation to get moving on something, right? We have to feel enough kind of oomph to get started. On any given task, different brains are motivated differently. So ADHD brains are motivated by five things, they tend to be motivated by novelty, things that are shiny and new, are very compelling. Pressure– so interpersonal or time pressure really gets an ADHD brain moving, right? This is where procrastination comes from. If you wait long enough, the pressure will be build up, and we'll get the move in on something, right? Competition. So, you know, throwing a little healthy competition in things kind of gets things interesting and gets some blood flowing. Interest creates a whole lot of draw for an ADHD brain. And this is kind of the classic. You know, a lot of parents will say, like, yeah, my kid, you know, can't pay attention to his homework at all, but he can, you know, play video games for hours on end and, you know, be totally hyper-focused, right? Because that interest is there. And then humor, is kind of a newer one that there's been more talk about recently. And, you know, I think humor works really, really well for a lot of people doesn't work for everyone. But for those of you with a funny bone, you may have experienced this kind of like draw towards the funny and and a draw to kind of create humor in things to create a little bit more activation.

  6:37

  So, what are the motivating factors for neurotypical brains? Rewards and consequences and importance. So things that are important motivate the neurotypical brain.

  Now, you will notice that there is no overlap here, right? There is no overlap between the things that motivate neurotypical brains and the things that motivate ADHD brains.

  And so we have the scenario where we have ADHD brains kind of being pulled and drawn by one thing, and neurotypical brains being pulled and drawn by something else. And neurotypical brains are being pulled by things that are honestly our society is kind of built to reward, and built; it has built-in a system that works for neurotypical brains and the way that they are motivated. So really important things, things that are rewarded, punishments that we're avoiding– neurotypical brains, that works for them. That doesn't work for ADHD brains.

  The other thing that you'll notice here, is that chores, right? Um, you know, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, none of those things have really any novelty, right? We've all done those before. There's not that much pressure. There's no competition; there's definitely no interest. And there really is no humor in dishes. And so all the chores stuff, it may be super important. There may even be rewards on the other end of it or consequences for not doing it. So that works for an neurotypical brain. But for an ADHD brain is not going to work that well. And, and so that inherent motivation, isn't there for ADHD brains in the way that it is there for a neurotypical brain.

  And so we see this a lot in couples where, you know, the neurotypical person will say, Yeah, but it's really important that this gets done, right? It's really important that the kids, you know, permission slips get signed. Great. That'll work for a neurotypical brain. But for an ADHD, brain importance doesn't register. And there's nothing novel, interesting, competitive, humorous, or pressured about signing permission slips, right? So this is part of the issue at play with the chore wars.

  9:43

  But I said there were two brain differences here. And that's because even a super-motivated brain isn't going to do something that is not thinking about right it has to be aware of the thing that it needs to do. In order for that motivation to do anything, here we have another brain difference, and this is object permanence. So object permanence is the basic understanding of object permanence that comes from developmental psychology.

  And is this basic principle that starts to evolve early in kind of toddlerhood. And so if if you have any babies or young kids in your life, you know that a baby, you know, or a kind of an older baby, right, like a nine-month-old, thinks peekaboo is the greatest thing in the world thinks that is the most fun thing ever. But if you tried playing peekaboo with a nine year old, they would look at you like you were crazy, right?

  Because a nine-year-old, when you hide behind your hands and then pop out, the nine-year-old totally gets that you're still there. And the nine-year-old is just like, what are you doing? On a nine-month-old, however, when you hide behind your hands, you disappear; you're no longer present.

  And so this basic principle is at play here. Now, I want to be clear that though a neurotypical brain has this, this, this ability for object permanence, and I want to be clear that it is she brings, they it's not like they, they're gonna find peekaboo fun, right? Like, it's not like they have no object permanence. They totally do.

  But what happens with ADHD brains is what I like to call kind of a fishbowl brain. So imagine that you're walking around in the world, and you've got a fishbowl on, you know, your heads inside this fishbowl. So it's sitting on your shoulders, and you're walking around; everything inside the fishbowl is super prominent.

  Your brain is very, very aware of all the things inside the fishbowl. Everything outside the fishbowl does not exist. The only things that exist are inside that fishbowl. And and honestly, this is part of the reason why ADHD brains often feel really anxious, right, because they try to shove lots of things in this fish fishbowl so they don't disappear. Because the minute something is plucked out of that fishbowl, it disappears from awareness, it's no longer present, and it doesn't hold on to it in the same way that a neurotypicalbrain would.

  12:36

  So this becomes kind of a recipe for undone tasks, right? Both of these things really play in that, that you can be super aware that a task needs to be done but have no motivation to do it, and the task won't get done. Or you could have some motivation and some oomph behind you. But if you're not aware that it needs to be done, if it's not present, then you're also not going to do it. And, you know, doubly so if you have, you don't have the motivation, and the task isn't present for you and in part in your awareness.

  13:15

  So what do we do, we have these two brains. One is kind of set up for chores success, shall we say? And the other one is set up for not doing chores. And yet, you know, we all need to be sharing the chores, right? So, I, one of the ways to think about how to make this work kind of. And so let me back up for a moment.

  So I often like to think about ADHD brains as being a lot like water. And so water on its own is kind of a puddle, right, like, if we just pour a whole bunch of water somewhere, it's just gonna be a puddle, it's not going to move all that much. And it's just kind of gonna sit there. But if you put some structure in, right, if you put some walls in that water, kind of like a riverbank, and you give it a little tilt, with some motivation. Right now that river has a lot of power. Rivers can power whole cities, right? There is a lot of movement, and rivers can really create a whole lot of change. And this is really kind of what we want to do for ADHD brains. We want to be really mindful of motivation. And we also want to be really mindful of creating external structures that make that movement kind of flow in the right direction.

  14:51

  So that's what we want to think about when we're thinking about strategies for chore wars, or really any Give us other strategies; we want to be thinking about ADHD-friendly strategies, right? So we want to pair any strategy with structure and motivation.

  15:10

  So how do we do that?

  So good ADHD-friendly structure is basically three things: it’s external, it's actionable, and it's iterative.

  So, by external, what I mean is that we're going to look for systems that don't rely on our brains. And this is a classic one, right? How many times have you said, Are you heard? How many times have I heard : “I just need to do x better?” Right? I just need to remember to do Y., Right? That I just need to make my brain work differently is basically what we're saying when we say that we're not going to have our brains work differently.

  And honestly, we don't, we don't want your brains to work differently. As we said, at the very beginning, there's some awesome things about ADHD brains. And so instead, we want to bring in external structures that create that momentum.

  So here are some examples of some external systems for chores. And these are just examples to get kind of you rolling. But really, the idea is that we want them to exist outside of your brain. And honestly, it helps with lots of things; it helps to actually, you know, bring things into awareness; it also helps with the relationship, right, because now the thing outside is the one telling us what to do, right? The chore chart, or the chore app, or the calendar alerts, these are the things that are telling us what to do rather than that over function or being like you didn't do X or Y, you need to go do Y. And so when it exists outside of the people in the relationship, it tends to take some of that tension kind of away.

  17:15

  So chore charts, I know, chores originated for kids. But guess what, they're super useful for adults too. And so no, no shame in the game in putting chore charts to work for adult relationships. And they really, they exist outside of us. They provide that structure, that awareness, that cue. And calendar alerts also kind of provide a little extra oomph a little extra awareness. The other thing to think about is chore apps. And so I put in here to have on the Habitica and Pepto; they both have like a gamification aspect to it. And that can be super useful in terms of kind of like bringing in some of that motivation as well. nepto in particular, has the ability to have more than one person on it. And so that can be really useful in relationships.

  18:34

  So here's an example of an external structure. Instead of saying something like, you just have to start remembering to take the trash out, right, which is pretty shaming, first of all, isn't in pretty critical. And let isn't actually likely to have the effect that we wanted to have isn't, is probably going to create tension. Rather than actually getting the person to take the trash out.

  Something that might be more successful would be let's let's set a reoccurring alarm on Wednesday night to take the trash out. So not only is this kind of a more approachable way of framing it right it's a it's a we framing, but it is also an external structure. That is not about just making your brain do something different than it's naturally made to do.

  19:41

  Okay, so we talked about external, and now we're gonna talk about actionable. So how do we make things actionable? Things that are actionable, have a what a win and a prompt, right? So exactly what are we going to do? Right, we're going to take the trash out, we're going to do the dishes, we're and by doing the dishes remain, we are going to wash all of the dishes, put them all in the dishwasher, turn the dishwasher on and clean the sink out, right? Really defining the whole task. What, what is this action that we're taking? When are we going to do it? Ideally, that's connected to something that we're already doing a habit stack. So we will do those dishes right after we have dinner, or we will do those dishes before we go to bed. Or we will do those dishes first thing in the morning, whatever it is, there's a when, and then there's a prompt, what's going to bring it into awareness, right? What's going to cue our brains, this is the thing that we we said we were going to do right now.

  20:57

  And then finally, good- ADHD systems are iterative, which means that we keep coming back to it, because any system is going to break down. And this is true in any personhood; any relationship is extra true and ADHD systems. And so we need to accept that they're going to break down. And that doesn't mean the system's bad or the people are bad. It's just how it works.

  And then we need to be adaptive. And we need to evolve, right? Because things are going to happen. Right? So let's say you set a phone alarm to take the trash out on Wednesday night. Great. That worked for a while until your son's soccer practice happened to come up at the same time that your alarm was going off right now, I'm at soccer practice. I'm not there to take the trash out. I snooze, I turn off the alarm. And when I get home, it's no longer in my fishbowl. I'm no longer aware of it. So we're going to need to addept, we're going to need to evolve that. And this is really where weekly check-ins and kind of systems reviews are super useful. Because it's this scheduled time where we say okay, this is what we're doing. We are going to look at the systems we're gonna see what's working; anything needs to be shifted, has anything fallen off? What do we need to evolve kind of and be flexible with what do we need to to have addept so that it can keep on rolling?

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

Check out these other articles:

ADHD in Marriage

Talking about the impact of ADHD on marriages is always something I love to do- because not only is it something I live with and work on each and every day but also because its impact is so multifaceted and profound. So when ST asked me to come talk about ADHD and its effect on a marriage, I gave her a wholehearted Yes!

And we talked about so many aspects of that multifaceted picture. What ADHD brains bring to relationships (SPOILER ALERT: A lot!), what partners can do to support their ADHD loved ones, and ways to best treat and navigate ADHD.

If you’re in for a fun, information-filled, romp through all things ADHD- take a listen!

Ready to shift from
meltdown to mastery?

This online course has been designed specifically to help teach the strategies ADHD brains need to help them move from overwhelm  and meltdowns to confident emotional mastery.

Want to know more about
thriving with ADHD?

Check out these other articles:

How to Handle your Rejection Sensitivity in Intimate Relationships

Any quick google search will tell you how hard ADHD can be on relationships. You’ll read about the stress caused by the practical aspects of ADHD- managing finances, mess, household chores, and the like. But few things put an intimate relationship through the wringer quite like the emotional rollercoaster of rejection sensitivity that can so often come with an ADHD brain.  

Rejection Sensitivity and ADHD

ADHD is one of the 5 brain types that are most likely to be sensitive to rejection. Each of these brain types comes to their sensitivity in different ways, though. For ADHD brains, the sensitivity comes out of 3 things: history, rumination, and emotional regulation.

History:

Kids with ADHD are more likely to be rejected by their peers. They have a more challenging time reading subtle social cues, so they often have a hard time fitting into the complex social structures of childhood. This leads to a history of rejection and isolation, and pain. 

And the schoolyard isn’t the only place we feel the sting of criticism and rejection growing up. Trying to navigate life (and particularly school) in a world not well suited for the brain you were born with creates an endless opportunity for effort, intention, and desire to fall short and failure and criticism to reign.

And let's face it- we all carry around that hurt little kid around with us. As we grow up, the wound may heal-but the scars remain- making us more sensitive when something like it happens again.

Rumination:

Because ADHD brains ruminate more than is typical, they are more likely to anticipate fear ahead of time and circle on past pains. These future fears and past regrets circle around the ADHD brain like a record stuck on repeat, priming it to see rejection all around, even if it’s not intended.

Emotional Regulation:

The base issue with an ADHD brain is its struggle with regulation. It turns on or off and struggles to find a middle ground. And this is never more true than for emotions. So when an ADHD brain feels pain, it feels like a tsunami, crashing over it in a wave of pain. It goes from feeling fine one minute to crushed by pain the next.

Put all the history, rumination, and regulation together and you get a brain that carries around with it the history of pain and rejection, a pain the brain returned to over and over. This pain is like a bruise- a sensitive spot primed to flood with pain if something even brushes past it in the same way.

How Rejection Sensitivity plays out in Intimate Relationships.

Brains sensitive to rejection don't just feel that rejection (or criticism) more intensely, they also anxiously expect it - looking out in the world for confirmation that they will be rejected and are therefore more prone to perceive it.  

You see, our brains are like your brash uncle Jim- arguing his point long after anyone else stopped caring, last thanksgiving.

They don't like to be wrong. 

So, if your brain is expecting rejection, it's going to find it. It just knows it's going to happen, and so when something kind of ambiguous happens- something that could be read a couple of different ways- a rejection-sensitive brain will say- "See!! I was right! They do hate me!"

In relationships, this means that rejection-sensitive brains are more likely to see intentional rejection in the insensitive, unthinking things that our partners do (because let's be honest- we all do insensitive and unthinking things in relationships) even when no rejection or harm is intended.

Gender differences in Rejection Sensitivity:

Men and women tend to handle this perceived rejection differently in relationships. Men are more likely to see rejection (even if it's not intended) and get jealous and aggressive. Women, however, are more likely to see rejection and withdraw support and tenderness and feel more hostility.

Either way, though-regardless of the reaction the rejection spurred- both reactions lead couples to feel less satisfied with their relationships and more unhappy overall.

How can you manage rejection sensitivity in romantic relationships?

So, your brain is primed to see rejection where it may or may not exist, and it gets knocked off its feet by the pain it feels when it sees it- now what?

Medication may help.  There is some research that shows that certain meds (particularly MAOIs and Alpha Agonists) help to reduce the pain and sensitivity of rejection so that you don’t have to travel down the spiral of history, pain, and withdrawal.

But, meds aren't the only thing that can help. There are ways to minimize the struggle of rejection even if you continue to feel it. Because, it’s usually the reaction to the pain that causes the problem within a relationship, not the pain itself.  For example, when your partner shows up late for your birthday dinner it’s the yelling match that ensues rather than your hurt feelings that escalate what could have been poor time management to relationship def-con 5.  

But how does an ADHD brain that struggles to inhibit responses keep itself from blowing up when it’s flooded with pain?  Here’s a step-by-step process.  (But don't worry- you really only need to remember the first one at the moment).

5 steps to managing rejection sensitivity:

1. Get some space. 

When you’re flooded by feeling-- you can't think, you can only respond. And I guarantee you, you won't respond the way your calm self would want you to. So, give yourself some space. Take yourself out of the moment, the location, away from the people that are triggering you. This is the equivalent of giving yourself a time-out.  But it isn't a punishment- it's protection: protection for the people around you, protection for yourself, and protection from the judgment of your future self.

2. Calm down your system. 

When we get flooded, our fight/flight system gets activated. Our bodies prepare to fight the lions of tigers of yore. So our heart rate elevates, our breath gets rapid and shallow, and our muscles tighten. And the really tricky thing about all this is that our thinking brain shut down. We actually lose the ability to think things through at this time. So take the time to calm down your system- meditate, slow your breath, take a walk- whatever it is that helps you bring down that response and get your brain back online.

3. Brainstorm other possibilities. 

Ok, so you've gotten some space, you've calmed your system down, and your brain is back online. Now it's time to think it through- what are the other possibilities for what happened? 

Your partner didn't bring you your favorite dinner when he came home tonight- maybe he did it because he doesn't care about you. Or maybe he forgot. Maybe a call came in as he passed the restaurant and got distracted or maybe he was so busy planning a surprise party for your birthday next weekend he just wholly spaced on his promise to bring you your burrito.

4. Gather evidence: 

So now that you have some other possibilities- do you have any evidence for (or against) them? When you asked him where your burrito was- did he slam his palm on his forehead and say, "Shoot, I forgot!?", did he say he was having a rough day at work? Is your birthday coming up, and you've caught people whispering? What does the data say?

5. Next steps. 

So now you've opened up the possibilities for what happened. What next? 

How can you move forward? Do you need to check out your hypothesis with your partner? Are you going to create a script for what happened to remind yourself when you default back to your old thought? Or can you go DO something that fuels you and rewards you- can you take a walk, go to a yoga class or call up your friend.

Managing rejection sensitivity is hard. It takes energy, persistence, and faith that there might be other ways of seeing a situation, that your initial thoughts might not be correct. But it also gets easier. If you can keep it up, remain persistent over and over as you challenge each thought as it comes up, you can start to program your brain to not assume rejection at each turn.

You (and your relationship) deserve that.

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The Balancing Act: Relationships & ADHD

ADHD doesn’t just impact work or school- it can throw personal relationships a loop- big time! Between paying attention to your partner’s conversations, remembering details, keeping shared spaces clean, and showing up on time the practical implications of an ADHD brain can make an otherwise solid relationship feel pretty shaky at times. And that’s not even beginning to address the impact of rejection sensitivity and emotional overwhelm!

That’s why I was so thrilled to be able to talk with Kim and Penn Holderness over at the Holderness family podcast. These guys could not be more real or more funny. If you don’t know them already- they are the “Christmas jammies” people. They offer hilarious and ever so relatable youtube videos on topics from COVID lockdowns, to getting your kids to eat, to prepping thanksgiving dinner. And if I’m honest, those COVID parodies got me through many a bad quarantine moment.

We had a blast talking through the particulars of loving with an ADHD brain and got into some nitty-gritty details on things like:

• Tips for both ADHD and non-ADHD partners.

• How to manage those tricky spots where two different brains create tension

• Strategies for remaining connected when ADHD tensions arise

• The number one strategy that I use In my ADHD marriage and that I recommend for all my clients

• Ways ADHD brains differ from neurotypical brains

• The reason why it’s so hard for ADHD brains to finish a task

This one is definitely worth a listen. You will laugh, you will smile and you might even pick up a new technique or two. Enjoy!

Welcome to the Holderness Family Podcast! On Facebook and YouTube we are known as The Holderness Family. We make those silly songs and skits with our kids, but on this podcast, it's just us... the real us. The non-Christmas-jammies-us, the why-can't-my-socks-be-on-the-kitchen-counter-us (Penn) the why-do-I-have-to-go-outside-and-talk-to-people-us (Kim).

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]]>ADHD MarriageADHD RelationshipMarcy CaldwellSun, 12 Jul 2020 23:42:12 +0000https://www.addept.org/add-adhd-marriage-relationship/stop-fighting-over-chores5dfff593bd33110ae67139b5:5e04fb315a9a212b9137b498:5f0b9fd5b197041778ca917b

I remember the first time I went on a business trip after my oldest son was born. I was sitting in boring conference session after conference session and my mind kept wandering to the same fantasy over and over. It went like this: when I got home I would walk in our front door and be greeted by running bear hugs from both of my guys. My son would be thrilled his mama was home and tell me everything about his past few days, and my husband would be filled with love and gratitude- and utter the words which would be magic to my ears: "Babe, I missed you so much. And I'm amazed- how do you do it all? It was so hard!"

Did that happen?

Of course not. There were hugs, there were "I missed you's," but there was not an outpouring of gratitude or recognition of all that I do. 

And truthfully? I was a little crushed.

It took me a while to figure it all out, but I slowly realized several things:

1. I obviously needed a bit more acknowledgment for the work I do. (And if I needed more, then I probably needed to give more too)

2. I had been holding more resentment about the distribution of labor than I realized

We had fallen into the dreaded ADHD relationship dynamic. I, the non-ADHD partner, had taken on more than my fair share of the household duties and, in turn, more than my fair share of the resentment.  

Parent/Child Dynamics:

This pattern is so common there is a psychological term for it: the parent/child dynamic. The parent/child dynamic is when one partner (often the non-ADHD partner) takes on the parent's role- doling out chores, nagging, and feeling the responsibility to assure they are done. This dynamic is pervasive throughout ADHD marriages and toxic. Why? 

Because it kills two incredibly valuable things: intimacy and self-esteem. Because really- what is more of a romance killer than nagging, yelling, or resentment? And who feels good about themselves when they are nagging or being nagged?

Once I saw what was happening, I realized: We needed to talk—big time.

So, we did. We had a big talk. And one of the things that became very clear from that conversation was that I had taken on a huge number of responsibilities because I felt I had to. 

I felt like the only way they would be done and done well was if I did them. But, you know what? That was because I was using my own timetable and my own expectations. In my mind, dishes needed to be done immediately- and therefore, any dish in the sink brought colossal resentment. But who said dishes need to be done right away? I made the bed every morning because my own rulebook said that beds needed to be made every day- my husband? His rulebook didn't agree.

My husband managed the week when I was away just fine. Not because single parenting is easy but because he is super capable-- particularly when playing by his own rules and his own timing. Were the dishes done right away? No. But did he leave them so long they attracted pests? No. When I was gone, he was free to use the pressure of time and necessity to get things done, and he was able to enjoy his free time.

Find the rulebook that works for you

It took several more big talks, but eventually, we understood that we needed to write the rulebook together. If either of us was going to insist on our own timing and our own expectations, we would have a lot more resentment and a lot more upset. So, we went about the hard work of making intentional choices about the expectations of the house, who was going to do what, and what made the most sense regarding the distribution of chores.  

Our process took many iterations and several years and as our jobs and responsibilities have changed over time, we have returned to the drawing board a few times. As we have done so, throughout the years, we have developed a process that eases the tension and assures everything is taken care of.

The 3 Step Process for Ending the Chore Wars

Step 1: Write the rulebook

What needs to be done? What tasks are mandatory? How often do they need to be done? You don't need to worry about who does them yet- just what. Do beds need to be done? Do dishes need to be done after every meal or only when there are none left? This is a place where you want to be realistic but also aware of what you need. Does it make you anxious to have a pile of dishes in the sink? Does the idea of tidying every evening fill you with dread? 

Talk it all through- see what is essential to each of you and then write each task down.

Step 2: Delegate

Now you have your master list, it’s time to start doling the tasks out. But don’t just hand them out one by one- take 4 passes at it, each with a different principle in mind:

          Pass 1: Desire

The first pass is the things that you enjoy (or at least don't hate). For example, I enjoy gardening, and my husband loves fixing things. So I make the window boxes and backyard pretty, and he repairs everything we break (and believe me- with 2 rambunctious boys we break a lot!).

Pass 2: Ability

The next pass is the tasks you are good at- even if you don't love them. 

I'm good with numbers, so bills/ taxes are mine (not my favorite thing but within my skill set). My husband is great at electronics and so he is in charge of all things electrical.

Pass 3: Outsource 

Everything left on your list are things that you neither enjoy nor do you feel good at. Are there any that you can outsource? Of course, you can do this by hiring someone to do them for you. But, you can also get creative and share labor with friends or neighbors (soup swaps, buy nothing groups, and nextdoor apps are great places to find these types of arrangements).

Pass 4: Time

Let's be honest- the rest of the tasks are drudgery. These tasks you want to divide according to timing. Does one of you have a long commute? That person may not be in charge of dinner then. Does one of you work from home? They may have dog-walking responsibilities. Consider when tasks need to be done and how much time each of you has when not working. Then distribute them accordingly.

Once all the tasks have been distributed, you want to look over each person's master list: does it look fair? Does it look manageable? If so- great work! If not, work together to figure out how to make it more doable- do you need to create a little more room in your budget to get some more help? Do you need to change your expectations? Are there other supports you can put in place to get it all done

Step 3: Make a Chart

Now you have the plan. It’s time to make a chart. No- chore charts are not just for teaching kids responsibility- they are an excellent way of reminding all brains- not just young brains- of the things that we need to do. 

The other reason chore charts are essential in an ADHD relationship? They take the struggle out of the couple. Suddenly, rather than one person reminding the other all the time, there is an external reminder. And because this external reminder was mutually agreed on, it can be easier to enforce.

The system is relatively simple, but a history of emotion, hurt and cultural programing can complicate it quickly. Here are some tips and tricks to keep this system a painless and effective as possible. 

Chore Tips and Tricks:

• Resist gender dynamics:  Just because your mother vacuumed and your father opened the mail doesn't mean that's how your relationship needs to work. Lean on ability and interest, not out-dated gender norms.

• Rotate the drudgery jobs if boredom becomes an issue. If it becomes too tedious to get the same drudgery job done every day or every week, try rotating them (a chore wheel is a great way of doing that) to add a bit of novelty into your housework.

• Get the kids involved. Chores aren't just for the grownups- get your kids involved in the process- have them help you come up with the master list, and choose which things they enjoy and are good at. Get them involved in the whole process- not only will you get some more buy-in from them, but you will also be modeling excellent problem-solving and responsibility-taking.

• Communicate. When things get missed, when resentment starts to grow, talk about it. Don't let it build to an argument- start the conversation early, before all the emotion begins to cloud your reasoning.

• Gather data, not resentment. Experiment. Your first pass at this might not be quite right. That's ok- as you try out the system, some things will come up. Some things will be illuminated. Great- gather that data, talk about it, and use it to make it even better.

• Change with the times.  When we first made our chore chart, I worked part-time, my husband was working full-time, and we had a toddler. Now, we both work full time and have 2 older kids. Responsibilities, time, and expectations are different than they were. Each time something significant changes in our household, we have to return to the drawing board and start again. That's ok- the process will be more comfortable and more efficient each time you do it.

• Review it weekly at a team. Find a time and tie it to something that happens regularly- like while you clean up the 15 tiny dishes from taco tuesday. Use that time to review the chore chart- how did it go? Any feelings or thoughts developing? Anything that didn’t get done? What supports would help assure those things get done next week. Remember, you are a team, approach it as one and the conversation will go so much more smoothly.

Tackling the chore wars can feel like a tricky process- there are a lot of feelings involved. Often times, both partners feel underappreciated and undervalued. But if you enter the conversation with the intention of teaming up together to make the system work for both of you, you can find peace. So, give it a shot- and don't skip the chore chart - it might feel silly at first but it’s crucial!

And don't forget to let me know how it goes in the comments below. I can't wait to hear it!

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Dealing with Coronavirus and the massive life fallout that is has created has been a very different experience for my ADHD husband and me. For my husband, it has been a daily struggle- to work, to fend off his anxiety, to stay present, and to sleep. For me, it has been tiring and depleting, but provided I get enough sleep, I have been able to remain relatively myself.

What accounts for most of this difference? Am I intrinsically stronger or more resilient?  

NO!  

Not even close- my husband is one of the strongest, smartest, kindest, and most resilient people I know. So, if it's not about our personality, then what is it?

The thing that makes our response different is OUR BRAINS. The ADHD brain and the neurotypical brain process situations, stresses, stimulation, and, yes, anxiety differently.

Why your ADHD Partner is Struggling during the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Missing Filter

But for my husband- his ADHD brain doesn't give him that luxury. The filter that neurotypical brains have to press mute on irritating stimulation (like that itchy tag on the back of your shirt or the slight hum emanating from a light over your head) doesn't exist in the ADHD brain. 

So, the ADHD brain is continually pounded by the endless anxiety of this situation. The constant drum of uncertainty, fear, and discomfort, therefore, is part of their constant awareness.

Fishbowl Feelings

And when everything in your world is one color? Seeing things without that haze feels like a foreign concept. This makes that feeling seem true, lasting, and ever-present.

So right now, during this crisis, the ADHD brain's fishbowl is colored by anxiety, uncertainty, and stress. No other feelings exist, and everything that it sees is colored by those feelings.

Distraction

Because of the fishbowl and the lack of filter, the ADHD brain struggles much more to stay on track. It's constantly attending to whatever is shiniest, newest, or most blaring in front of it. And if you can't focus? Then you can't get absorbed in whatever it is that could give you that sense of power, control, or diversion.

7 Things You Can Do to Help

If you are anything like me, knowing why is just half the battle. I want to know what to do about that why. And because the ADHD brain is more vulnerable to struggle during this time doesn't mean that we, as partners, can't offer some relief and support. 

Here are 7 things you can do today to help your partner as they struggle through this crazy time with this unique brain.

1. Fuel yourself

Back in the days when we used to be able to fly - the airline attendants used to always remind us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before helping others. Never has this been more true. Being a kind, loving, supportive, and understanding rock for your partner to depend on at a time over universal stress and anxiety is going to take some extra oxygen. So prioritize your own self-care- make sure you are getting enough sleep, getting outside, moving your body, and exploring your passions. Fuel your body and mind enough, and you will have plenty to help fuel your partner as well.

2. Don't try to fix it

No one is a bigger offender than me on this one. We are not our partner's therapists (even if you are an actual therapist). We can't be- it's ineffective, weird and complicated (not to mention unethical). 

So, don't try to fix their brain, their anxiety, or the situation. Love them as they work their own way through it.

3. Be the port in their fishbowl storm

When your entire world is overwhelmed by feeling can feel terrifying and unsettling. Be the safe, non-judgmental place they can come to talk through their experience, so they don't have to do it alone. 

4. Help them identify and manage the distractions to their work and pleasure

Try asking them what the main things are that distract them when working- is it the kids, the news notifications, the laundry? Then see if the two of you can problem-solve your way through some strategies for minimizing those distractions. Maybe it's setting up a different room for an office, or perhaps it's a schedule that maximizes the quiet time of the house. Together, I bet the two of you can find some creative strategies to minimize the things that pull them away from that which could absorb them and give them a sense of control.

5. Schedule fun, engaging family activities

Sure, you will have to get a bit more creative these days- but set aside time for you guys, as a couple or the whole family, to do something together- maybe it's trying a new recipe or exploring a new trail, taking a bike ride, or binging on a new Netflix series. Whatever it is- find ways to get absorbed in a fun activity together. But don't just talk about what you should do- plan it- come up with a day and a time that you will do it so you can both count on that connection and distraction.


6. Help them find ways and times to blow off steam

When your system is regularly overrun by anxiety and stress, it is essential to find ways to burn off that extra energy. Everyone does that differently, and these days we have to be extra creative to find these activities. Try brainstorming together and then work out ways/ times that they can count on to burn through that pent-up energy.

7. Support and prioritize their self-care

The thing that is most likely to take a hit, as well as the thing that is most likely to help, when things get tough is self-care- sleep, exercise, nutrition, passion activities. 

You can't make those things better for your partner. But you might be able to strategize ways to support them- like taking the kids in the morning so they can get an extra hour of sleep or finding time in the day, or a space in the house, for them to pursue their hobby. 

Whatever you do, let them know that you value their self-care and want to help them prioritize it.  

We all have an opportunity during this time to learn new lessons, create new strategies and uncover unknown truths that can make us stronger on the others side. I know that dealing with your partner’s anxiety and stress can be overwhelming and draining. But if you join together, against that stress, the two of you can come out of this pandemic being a more unified, connected and powerful team.

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The #1 Way to Bring Peace to your ADHD Relationship

That sweet, loving, amazing husband I am always going on about? Well, he and I had a huge fight last weekend. Huge. I was yelling, he was simmering and resentful, and it all culminated with me in a puddle of tears.

What were we fighting over- it must have been significant and important. It must have been something that would have a lasting impact on our family. Right?

We were fighting over….wait for it…counter space.

Not exactly monumental. Not exactly important and definitely not life-defining. But, you know what? At that moment- it felt monumental and important (I’m not going to go as far as life-defining)

I like my space to be clean, clear, and free of clutter. I grew up in a house that looked more like a museum than a home with 2 kids living there. There were countless things that we couldn’t touch and entire rooms we weren’t allowed in unless company was over. My mother spent most of her days straightening up and clearing off surfaces, and as kids, we were brought in on that action early and often.

When I see clutter, I immediately go into action mode. I am one of those annoying people who clean the kitchen BEFORE I cook. God forbid the bed isn’t made- I will literally make it before I get in it at night. I have a hard time settling into anything else if my space isn’t clean and clear.

But I live with 2 tiny humans who can destroy an entire house faster than a class 5 tornado. I also live with an awesome guy with an ADHD brain that doesn’t recognize something exists if it is out of sight. That awesome guy also has a huge number of hobbies, all of which require endless equipment. Oh, and did I mention we live in a small city row home?

It’s a recipe for tension. It’s a recipe for resentment, and its a recipe for fights. And guess what? All of those recipes have come true for us over the years.

We’ve made progress though.

We have zones- some zones are to be cleared off every night, some zones can remain cluttered and some zones I don’t even look at. My husband has his own space to keep (most) of his equipment, and I have a crazy number of shelves and boxes for the toys that seem to multiply while we sleep.

We’ve also had an endless number of conversations about chores, distribution of duties, and ways to share the load. As our family and work roles have evolved over the years, these conversations have waxed and waned. And I am happy to say that our load feels pretty close to even these days.

So that fight- that wasn’t even about WHO was going to clean off the counter- it was about the counter itself. I wanted it empty, and my husband needed a visual reminder of the things so that he would act on them the next day.

He had a plan to clear it off. But he had an idea twice before in the week that the clothes had been piled on the counter (can I emphasize again? City house. Very little space). He had plans, but life happened, and the plans didn’t come to fruition. So what did I do?

On Saturday I asked him sweetly to please find another spot

On Sunday, I asked kindly, “when are you going to take that stuff?”

On Monday, I noted- “Oh, you didn’t take the stuff- whats your new plan?”

On Tuesday I tried to Ignore it

On Wednesday I reminded

On Thursday I nagged

On Friday I tried ignoring again

On Saturday I did the thing. The thing that is the surefire, straight-shot to resentment and fights. The thing that goes in the face of everything I know about ADHD and the way the ADHD brain works.

I took it personally.

All of a sudden, this pile of clothes to be donated was a personal assault. It was evident that he did not care. It was proof that he didn’t recognize all of my hard work or what my needs or desires were. (How a pile of clothes became all of those things is, now with the rationality of several days perspective, beyond me). But it did, and all of those things felt real and true.

And so I exploded.

Fortunately, dear husband and I have done a lot of work on how we fight. So what would have previously been a 3-day ordeal was entirely resolved by bedtime. But really- the whole thing could have been avoided. And not just by not putting the donations on the counter.

If, instead of taking the pile of clothes personally, I had seen them as what they were- a visual reminder- and I had joined my husband’s team in getting rid of them we could have avoided the whole thing.

Because that’s the trick. When one person in a couple has ADHD, the non-ADHD partner does sometimes need to take the role of executive function teammate- not mother, not nag, not disciplinarian, not even coach- but encouraging teammate.

So on Saturday, rather than taking it personally and getting angry, I could have reminded myself that the clothes were a symptom of his brain not a signal of contempt (or whatever I had conjured up at the time). I could have told him, with kindness, that I was getting frustrated and asked him again what the plan was. But rather than letting it go there (because I had tried that a few times), I could have the problem solved with him what he would do if that plan didn’t go perfectly. We could have come up with a plan A and B as well as a deadline for when the clothes would just be put back where they came from.

That would have saved a lot of drama, a lot of stress and a lot of tears. Because I can promise you, my husband’s desire to donate old clothes never had anything to do with me. He wanted the clothes out of his area, and he wanted a cue to remember to take them when he could. His difficulty remembering to take them was about his underpowered executive functioning system, not accessing his memory stores. And his lack of urgency about the clutter? That wasn’t personal either. That was about his brain’s difficulty with time horizons.

It was not personal.

Have you ever taken your spouse’s ADHD symptoms personally? What parts of their ADHD are responsible for the behaviors that trigger you? Are there ways that you can team up with them to make it easier?

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Interrupting the Interruption Battles

My husband interrupts me a lot. Well, actually- credit where credit is due- its not nearly as often as it used to be but I feel it intensely when he does. I grew up in a very small, polite, controlled and WASPy home where one person spoke at a time, where you didn’t talk about heated topics like politics, religion or money and where all communication was calm, moderated, and— lets be honest— a little boring.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a large family that LOVES to debate, to get heated and to argue the most difficult political, social and religious controversies. It’s almost all they talk about. Every dinner table conversation involves impassioned speeches, long soliloquies and heated debate (which is really a testament to their love of debate considering they almost always agree).

When I first joined the family, I found these gatherings stressful and I would often excuse myself to the bathroom several times a night just to get a break from the stimulation. On our drives home I would often talk about the “fight” or “argument” that they had. My husband was always quick to correct me- they were not fighting- they were debating. But it felt like fighting to me- their voices were loud, their speech was pressured and they somehow found small details among their general consent to disagree with.

But what often bothered me the most, in those early days, was the interrupting. Occasionally, I would venture to join the fray and share my opinion but I would often get cut off. Coming from my controlled, waspy family, being cut off felt like someone saying that my point or opinion didn’t matter. I would feel chastised and slightly embarrassed and it was close to impossible to get me to share again.

This also happened when it was just my husband and I, but it wasn’t the impassioned debates when it was just us (because, Ill be honest, I don’t really engage with impassioned debates if I can help it) it was the daily topics, stories or shares. My husband would cut me off and share his perspective before I could finish.

This almost always resulted in me feeling hurt, diminished and like my perspective didn’t matter.

I don’t know how many times this pattern had to repeat itself and how many tearful conversations we had to have before we were both able to better understand what the experience was like from the other’s perspective. Because, despite being an ADHD specialist, despite working with the awesome ADHDers I work with each day and despite being married to an awesome ADHDer, as well- I still don’t always see things from that lens. Im still me, walking around and viewing the world from my own perspective and my own brain. So if I get hurt, I don’t always think about what about that person’s brain caused them to hurt me. I just feel hurt.

But the interrupting struggle is real for the ADHD brain.

This is because the ADHD brain struggles to regulate itself. Its actual functions often work perfectly but it has a hard time turning those functions on or off at the right time (among other regulating functions). The impulse or desire to add to a conversation is no different and the ADHD brain struggles to wait its turn. My husband’s family taught him to fully engage in conversation. It taught him to process difficult concepts verbally and it taught him to be generous with his opinions, his time and his attention (to the extent his brain is capable) while talking. His brain, however, has a hard time regulating that passion and engagement. It has a hard time having the thought and not expressing it right away and it struggles to have the thought, hold on to it and still follow the conversation.

So he cuts me off.

It took me a while to really get it. To really understand that his drive to interrupt was not that he didn’t value my opinion- quite the opposite actually, it was that he was so engaged and so energized by what I was saying that he wanted in on the action. His difficulty holding back was a matter of resisting the impulse to join in rather than a desire to have me be quiet.

So when he does interrupt, I have worked to reframe it for myself. I have pushed myself to break through the resistance to shut down and instead tell myself that him cutting me off was a sign of his interest and engagement.

And to his credit as well, he has heard my perspective. He has seen my tears and he has spent enough dinners at my family’s house to dial back his excitement and energy in conversation with me which has helped him be less vulnerable to interrupting. He has also done a lot of work to keep his ADHD symptoms under control: diet, exercise, sleep, meditation and treatment. These all give him greater ability to regulate that wonderful, impassioned brain and hold onto that thought long enough for me to finish mine.

Do you have a hard time keeping yourself from interrupting?

1. The most important first step is that: taking care of yourself. Giving yourself the sleep, exercise, nutrition and medication that you need to help your brain regulate itself as best as possible.

2. Next, before an important interaction where it is important that you limit the interruptions (like in conversation with your very sensitive wife) try to take that other perspective and think through how they will feel if interrupted. This isn’t a perfect suggestion that will work all the time but sometimes bringing that awareness into the mind consciously can increase the pressure, cause a little extra adrenaline around the situation and give you the burst of energy you need to stay in check.

3. Finally, if you do interrupt- own it quickly, honestly, and without too much drama. It’s not the worst thing in the world. You can say something like: “I’m sorry- I got excited and cut you off- what were you saying?” and then let them return to their point.

Try it out. And go ahead- have a conversation with your partner- how do they feel when you interrupt? Do they know what it feels like for you? Fill them in so they can interpret it for what it is- excitement and engagement.

Ready to shift from
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The #1 Thing my husband and I should be doing (but aren’t)

My husband, Dermot, and I know that there is one thing that we should do together every night before we go to sleep.  When we do it we feel more connected.  We know it makes us happier and that it actually has the power to shift our perspective on both each other and the world throughout the day.

We know this.

And we are not doing it.

Don’t worry mom-- you can keep reading—I’m not about to share about a big, long sex drought.  Because this thing- it’s not sex.  Its gratitude.

Gratitude is a powerful thing.  It causes us to feel happier , more optimistic and better about our lives .  When its shared within couples it not only makes them feel more positive toward each other but it also makes them feel more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship as well.

In an ADHD relationship, like mine- gratitude has an even greater benefit.  Because for most of us, the biggest source of tension are the little day-to-day details.  For me it’s the open cabinets, the globs of toothpaste congealing on the sink and the half-done house projects.  For my husband it’s the nagging, the lists and the timelines.

Gratitude prompts us to see the other side of things.  It prompts us to recognize the good.  When we have done this practice in the past, I started to notice that not only was I aware of his good, kind acts when we were sharing them, but throughout the day- I was noting each time he made me breakfast, helped my find my keys or put the kids to bed by himself— so that I could relay them that night.

We felt closer because we were acknowledging our gratitude for each other and because we were sharing things about our day that we were grateful for as well.

So why aren’t we doing it?

Because consistency is hard.  It’s hard to keep up a practice or ritual.  It takes great frequency to make it routine and until it is routine it requires effort.

Because we are busy and tired.  We have 2 kids. We both work.  Life is busy and we are tired at the end of the day and sometimes putting in that effort can be a challenge.

Because my goals were too lofty.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I can overshoot- if there is something that I think would be good to do, I take it on and go flat out trying to do it all to the maximum capacity.  So, I didn’t just say “let’s share one thing we are grateful for with each other”, I said:  “Let’s say 3 things we are proud of from the day and 3 things we appreciate about each other and 3 things that we are grateful for in general.”  And then, I made the rules: each one has to be specific and you can’t repeat any from previous nights.

That was fine for a few days but it became quite an exercise- there are only so many things that we do or appreciate about each other- when you cant repeat them you start to run out!  So pushing through the fatigue to do this thing that felt too hard eventually stopped happening.

But, the gratitude ritual- its good.  Really good.

So, we are recommitting.  We are going to fight through the fatigue by reminding ourselves and each other the impact that this small ritual can have and we are going to make it smaller and more maintainable.  Instead of three acknowledgements, prides and gratitudes we are going to do one top thing from the 3 categories:

·      #1 thing we are proud of

·      #1 thing we are grateful to the other person to

·      #1 thing we are grateful for from our day in general

We will keep the specific rule -because “you are a great dad” doesn’t mean as much as “Im grateful for the giggles I heard from the living room while you were roughhousing with the boys”.  But repetition will be okay this time around (because those giggles are totally worth noting each time).

But like all new ritual adoptions we are going to emphasize progress not perfection. We will not do it every night- of that I am sure- there will be sick kids, travel, celebrations and just plain old forgetting that will get in the way. But thats ok- when we realize we didn’t do it, we just get right back to it. No judgement. No feeling like the whole exercise is pointless because we couldn’t do it perfectly. We will just keep trying.

Because it is worth it. Our marriage and our happiness is worth the effort and we will keep trying.

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